It's you I'll live for
Everyday I'll follow after you
Everyday I'll walk with you my Lord!

"had a fun time at macs then maria came to my house for about ½ hr. I just realized how irritating obsessive guys can get. Maybe he’ll read this but don’t get offended. See, you’re blinded by love. :) hahaha."

Obtained off someone's blog. Well. Even if this someone isn't talking about me... Hmm. I know I'm just killing myself over this. An interesting trend observed... My high morale peaks midweek and drops exponentially over the weekend. Must it be so that when I talk to her on the phone or SMS that I get really happy, but seeing her and talking (or not talking at all) to her in person makes me feel super low? I don't understand. I suppose many psychiatrists wouldn't, either. Heck.

It's time to take myself out of this deep hole I've dug for myself (yet again) and renew my spirit. Be right before God. Do what He wants me to do. I think, well maybe these 2 months are to be used to upgrade my skills, improve my drumming even more, and see if I can do anything on driving. Ah yes. And to teach Kelvin & Keith. KEITH! Man. No way... No way... Seriously cannot make it... That fella doesn't seem to be serious in anything. Somewhat like me. Lolz.

Time to focus on the saving graces of God and the love of God and to spread it all around to those who need it. Meanwhile... Drums! I still have to hit the standard of that Hillsong drummer one day...

Kick myself hard up the bum. Hmm well now everyone knows, it's more like an open secret than anything. Why, dumbass, must you behave this way, dammit?! You now know how blardy screwed up this is and all the problems you've caused for yourself, right? Now are you happy?!!?!

I guess not. I'm self destructing. Damn. How am I gonna wait 3 more years like this if she knows, and some people are giving me negative comments, and I'm half ready to quit, and I don't think she likes me as a friend that much anyways? I've gotten myself into some deep nonsense, I suppose. It's still a commitment to God that I hafta stick through. No matter how dumb that is. Unless someone gets to her first, then I can drop her. If not... The worst thing would be someone gets to her on 03/08/2007 or slightly earlier... i.e. I would've wasted 3 fruitless years waiting... Please. Don't give me anymore of this mental nonsense. I'm not liking this very much. Damn!

On a lighter note, she's still a precious part of God's creation.

And she's back. I'm so darned happy. Cuter than ever. Though I haven't seen her for 2 weeks...

SMS from her... "Hahah.. U're in love with my face? That is kinda uh.. Weird?! Anws concentrate on whatever stuff u haf 2 do la! Spend more time wif ur parents! Hee. Bye!"

So darn cute. Sheesh. Lolz. That's why I still miss her constantly... She's lovely. She's lovely. A wonderful product of God's creation... Lolz...

Joel. Gone crazy.

Bought Sarah a new book... And bought myself a new CD. Heh. The wonders of getting your own pay...

Finally! She's coming back tomorrow... Can't tell her how much I've missed her... Ack... More like my heart's aching... Sheesh... Can this intensity for her ever stop? God help me control myself...

Sarah's coming back too... On the 24th... Most likely should be able to pick her up, yay! And well. Make her feel sad that I didn't buy her shoes. Lolz.

But crap, why does God feel so distant? What am I doing wrong? God please show me where I am going wrong... I don't know what's happening... But I just wanna rectify the situation. Help me...

Maybe I suppose I'm prioritising Maria too high on my list again. Maybe I've been scolding CPL Wu too much. I dunno. I"m just feeling rather negative now...

I'm going crazy. There is so much stuff I wanna unload. So much nonsense and crap going around in my head. All the hateful stuff that's been bottled up and I just wanna get rid of it.

Well. Patched things up with Alvin Yap already. But still Gabriel Wu... Well. Firstly. He's a corporal, and everyone else is just a private. He's the bunk I/C and section I/C. So for goodness sake please show more responsibility rather than indulging in your maths and lazing all around, once you get back to bunk you straightaway hit the floor in supine (read: lying down) position? Why? You're a corporal for goodness sake. Do you just wanna earn corporal's pay and behave like a private? Please man. Always taking the easy way out. As if it'd be that simple. Just get outta my sight. Oh yes. Everyone else in the bunk doesn't like him, too.

Yes. And I'm sad, too. Read the last post. Well. Just about all the church fellas have gone up to Malacca for church camp. The irony of it all is that I could've joined them if the camp were 1 week later. Bleah! Hateful SAF... It's not as if I didn't want to go... I'm forced not to go... Ah Qi, Qian Bian and my lil lady PA are all down there... And I'm stuck here. Having Ah Fen around isn't exactly the best stuff either, cos she ain't the apple of my eye. *Sorry Fen!* It's my lil lady Maria lah... I just wanna see her face... I'm having withdrawal symptoms now... Sheesh! I'm addicted to her... Lolz...

Oh well. Better not think about her too much. But with Spec II only starting 23rd August, and having 2 months slacking around in camp, what can I do? Sheesh!

And they're having a carnival over in Malacca. Ack...

To Malacca... I miss her. Still miss her. Hopefully can see her on the 24th when her sister returns from NZ...

How much I love you
Let me speak of your mercy and grace
Just let me live in the shadow of your mercy
Let me see you face to face

And the earth will shake
As your word goes forth
The heavens will tremble and fall

Just let me say how much I love you...

So well... Went out with Maria, Cheryl, Chrystal, Sarah and Christina today... They went to watch movie... I went to play pool with Edmund...

Hmm... Then they all left. Wasted! No chance to send her home... Otherwise I'd talk to her about how I feel and ask her how she feels. But this is as good as theory. Because I'd find it really, really difficult to get the words out of my own mouth. To say it to her. And officially tell her.

Why? Somehow I think that the Maria I love and the Maria I see are 2 different persons. Everytime I see her. I go into ji siao mode. For what? To show her I'm not serious about it yet, only till much later? Yet when I think of her... The feeling's totally different. Am I being cruel, to treat her like a plaything, only to ji siao? I think I am.

I guess I still have to reconcile both my impressions of her together. And it'll take me the next 3 years to do so.
But I still love her. I really do.

Incidentally, I'm still not the one who loves her the most. There's still God. And nothing can beat Him away.

Joel.

Edmund says... From her body language that she's interested in me... Like yeah. Really. True. If only. Sheesh!

Today she was supposed to be my inspiration to play captain's ball. But the lil one injured her foot somehow and didn't play much. No inspiration. Sheesh! So pathetic... Let's just say when she played I wasn't and when I played she wasn't.

I suppose... Well. Now she knows about it I think she's trying to distance herself. Or am I being too sensitive? Or is she really interested in me? She blush at me, I blush at her... I wish. I wish. But reality tells me it's 99% untrue. Shouldn't fantasise too much about this, and concentrate about getting Spec II instead.

Maria, oh Maria, if you could understand the extent and depth of my feelings for you... Sheesh. Too mushy.

Ah wells. If she's trying to distance herself, all I can do at best is to suck thumb about it. I can't really get too close at this stage. Not when I still have 3 more years to go. A commitment with God that I will wholeheartedly do my best not to break.

But I love her so. Sigh!

Joel. :roll:

Sarah's left! And I didn't send her off... Sad. And I'm looking for somewhere to buy a pair of nice, cheap, lightweight, good-looking sports shoes... Size 6. And surprise her when she comes back from NZ. I feel like being nice. And at the same time being evil to Ivan Goh. Oh sigh. How sad...

Meanwhile, both her and Maria know I'm interested in Maria. Well done. I've got nothing to say. Really got nothing to say. :-( Cry maybe? Hmmm...

This week, with the interview and everything, it's harder to think about Maria. Phew. And yet I still can find solace in God every day. Wow.

Thank you God!

Failure to ji siao Ivan Goh for Hillsongs. Sad. Considering his interest for my future sis-in-law, and the fact that it's lasted 1 year (As Kelvin Leong has mentioned)... Well. Yesterday she was supposed to go Hillsongs with her friend but then suddenly he chabot. Anyways she already went Friday night so didn't see the need to go again. Yeah lah. Otherwise I send her home and make him cry. Lolz. Cos we're good friends man. Though I'm interested in her sister. Sigh. I just wanna play around with Mr Goh. I'm sadistic.

Sorry folks, that's the way it is. Now I'm still searching for a pair of light size 6 shoes. Yeah. For Sarah. Aww how nice. To tao hao the future sis-in-law, you see. Sigh. What guys can do. It's crazy. Especially moi. That's why my middle name is Insane.

Lolz. Joel. Have a good day.

With the SAF. Yes. Finally. New title. Lolz. I wanna screw them for whatever cockups they're doing to my long weekend. Blardy koteks.

Hey. At least I ain't thinking of her so much. I've just decided to scare Ivan Goh by pretending to be interested in her sis. Heh heh. I'm feeling evil. Hope Sarah doesn't know I'm pretending to be interested in her, though. I think Maria thinks I'm interested in Sarah... At least that diverts some attention away! Killing 2 birds with one stone. Hehe.

Maybe I shouldn't be too complacent about my spiritual life. I can be praying & reading the Word consistently. But still, I can be cursing people with the F word. Which is so unlike me. Maybe it's cos I really dislike that bugger to the core now. He's just pure irritation. What the heck. It's been a long time since I used it. And I ain't exactly proud using it. Bleah.

Sigh. Help me God. My old life is coming back to haunt me... Just tell it to get lost!!!

Hmm. Went for basketball on Sunday. And asked Maria what type of shoes her sister liked. Yes, I'm gonna search for a pair of sports shoes for my future sis-in-law... Sheesh! Another drain in the wallet. And must delay the buying of my new digicam for a while. Ah yes. Size 6, regardless of brand, as long as it's light. Light in colour or lightweight? Dunno, heck. Means must search liao ah... Sian!~ At least I think she (sis-in-law) can wait for a while... Lolz. I told her she'd be lucky if I could find something by Christmas, haha...

Wrote a letter for Maria. Think I'm gonna edit it. And strain my wrist further. Lolz. Why must I be interested in her at this point in time?!