What I can say is: It's rather disappointing. The drums are good overall, something to pick up. But it's disappointing mainly because it's more like a rock concert and the ones being worshipped are more like the ones on stage than God Himself. I dunno. That's my opinion of the whole atmosphere.

I think me and my dad... Well. We did a good job of driving no 1, no 6, and *her* sister nuts. Lolz. All of them had better check into Hougang chalet for rehabilitation liao man... I'm worried about the condition of their mental health! Haha... Craziness... Especially no 1 got a double dose... Whoa man. Kee siao already...

Meanwhile... Thinking of what to get for her birthday... 3 more days. Lolz. Told her it might be one month late though. And no 5's bugging me for her birthday present too! Stress. $$$ leak. How to get my digicam like that? Haha... Got her a purple cyalume straw liao... But thinking of bigger things... Like a stuffed strawberry? Haha... I'm always thinking of getting stuffed things for females... Dunno why. A stuffed purple strawberry, perhaps...

And I'm up for practice on her birthday! Bleah.

Joel.

That's why I'm writing it down. Heck, I don't even know where I was, it was just another ordinary shopping mall. And yet I kept bumping into all my old school friends... Those I hadn't seen for a really long time.

Then the scene changes. Suddenly I find myself sitting on a bench. No 1’s in the centre, I’m on the left, and Maria’s on the right. Why so interesting? Even I myself haven’t the faintest idea why, so asking me would be of no use. But that’s the way the whole scenario unravels.

So Maria’s just talking, and me and no 1 are just listening. Note: In this dream no 1’s just a peripheral figure, a calla fare. And she’s complaining about the number of guys who are just so interested in her, they’re just obsessed with her. What she said, “I’d rather one guy love me wholeheartedly than 10 guys being physically attracted to me.” That’s what I can remember… And as she said that she was looking at me… As if wanting me to do something about it.

Then no 1 was bugging me to say something. Lolz. I didn’t. I reached my hand behind no 1, and grabbed Maria’s left hand… And just squeezed it tightly and held it there… And I told her, “Whatever happens, I’ll always be there for you.” And she smiled.

End of dream. What a weird one.

But well. I’m not as obsessed with her now as I was in the past… I’m still changing. And I’m not gonna let relationships bug me for now, much less let Satan tempt me into doing something that will wreck God’s plan for me. No, I’m gonna obey God. I’m gonna listen. And nothing can bring me down, for with God all things are possible!

Ole.

I’m wide awake now. Lolz.

Joel.

Long weekend! No need to go back to camp tomorrow... Half day more of slacking? Her birthday's coming soon... Time to start thinking of what to buy. Lolz. I have 5 capable advisors... So I think it ought not be a problem? Lolz. Nah... Lemme use my big fat brain to actually THINK for once... Haha...

Well. End of a long week... One of the most arduous... And yet I still find things to praise God for. What PDL has taught me, what I've learnt, how I've come to a greater understanding of what happens out in the field, yada yada. Yes. I'm even thankful for the trials that I've gone through. Though distasteful. Bleah. How it's gonna shape me.

Now... I've got a ton of stuff to read. My PDL, my Level 2 pre-course exam, the functions of the Medical Company, an even more detailed understanding of the Battalion Casualty Station, and even aeromedical evacuations. Whoa. My brain's gonna be exhausted. And yet I'll keep on going...

Why? God's supplying the fuel... I'm doing all I can for Him... Cos I seriously think He wants me to do something for Him amidst all this medical stuff... Though I don't know what, at this point in time...

And because of Him, I'm finding it easier to keep my mind away from her... Though I do send her some crappy smses from time to time...

Haha. Finding peace in the midst of chaos.

Joel. Ciao!

From field camp... Yeah... Same thing... 3D2N out in the field... Well. Trainers do get beds to sleep on, but without insect repellent, it's free for all for mosquitoes, sandflies and whatever else that wants to slurp up any individual's blood. And I think I've got severe blood loss from this. Lolz.

Well. It was interesting. And I've learnt alot of stuff. Like how to be on the ball at all times to prevent myself getting screwed, how nice the NSmen are when it comes to sharing food (but I didn't take much of it anyways), how much sandflies can attack even on covered areas of the body, and how I've gotta shine a torchlight by night just to read my PDL. Oh yes. I made it. Reading it for 3 days... Though I had to cut short my Bible time...

And it was just difficult going through it and being expected to act like a professional especially when it's your first in camp training and you haven't the faintest idea what's happening around you, right? You still need time to get oriented, right? And that's how I get screwed. As usual. SSG Salma. But what the heck, I'll improve, dammit. I'll make sure she shuts up next time... And be truly professional in my knowledge. Now I have a feeling God's calling me for something further out there in other countries as a medical aid relief worker... That's something to chew about. Lolz. A professional medical aid giver. I might as well go take nursing in university. Lolz.

Joel. From Kranji.

Coming up tomorrow? I'm not prepared for it... 3D2N out in the jungle. But at least trainers can go back to camp and wash up... Rather than being in the jungle 24hrs... Well. Let's see how it ends up... I don't want the experiences of Friday to happen ever again.

Bleah. I'm thankful I didn't have to go for route march yesterday... 4km, but it's in the evening! And spoils my entrie Saturday routine... What's more, I think Daniel Cheo speaking made a greater impact than soldiers singing. Right.

And the challenge is there. To read my PDL. To learn more about what God has in store. And yes. What other things I've learnt... God desires unity, not uniformity. That's like opposite of the SAF... Lolz. Hence... People should be reconciled and yet they have the right to hold different views pertaining to the same subject. And yes. Maintain the spirit of unity and the bond of peace. So that fellowship ain't broken but rather it can be deepened. And so can our character. Living with differences and yet striving for harmony. That is an act of worship. And a mark of spiritual maturity!

So let's go.

Yeah well from updating yesterday at Kranji... Screwed upside down left right centre also... It just feels bad... And I was told to take a break till 4.30pm... So why am I being screwed at 2pm? Just because I wasn't attending the lesson that my fellow junior trainer was giving, and I'm a junior trainer in training?

I'm screwed. My other junior trainer didn't come for my lesson and he didn't get screwed. I suppose the senior trainer screwing me just wanted to screw the trainer in charge of me and since she wants to screw him I'll kena any spillover effect? Heck.

People say she's pretty much screwed up herself.

Right... I'm typing this entry from a cybercafe located at the canteen within ALTC, Kranji Camp. Heh. It's only 1.40pm now and the reservists' IPPT starts at like, 4.30pm? So nothing for now...

Though this morning was quite interesting. Woke up at 5.30am and reached at 7am. Had to go to Yew Tee and WALK cos SSG Salma's car was full... But heck. Why not? Though 7am's a lil too early... And I did my PDL and QT on the 169 to Yishun, on the train to Yew Tee, and finally while walking to ALTC. Wow. Still got time later man!

Yeah, so I met some of the NSmen I took yesterday... Those going to ROD... And they're like "Whoa. Now the medic's course is so slack? Unbelievable." Right. Why? Because in the past the medic's course was like the BMT course... But now times have changed. Indeed.

Right... So tomorrow. Most likely can't go church, but well. If God wants me to learn something tomorrow in camp. Why not? I'm not going to church to see *her* or my toots. I'm going there to meet up with God.

Joel.

Today... 88 NSmen. All preparing to ROD. ROD = run out date, once they've done 13 ICTs (In Camp Trainings) or hit the age of 40, whichever comes first. Which means no more reservist training and totally no more such thing called army. Oh yes... So today... They didn't bother much about paying attention to lessons... Shooting needles also like abit bo chup... But well. 20 years later I'm gonna end up like that, too.

The miracle of today: I managed to do my PDL! In like 20 minutes... Rather short though... Gonna do an in depth one later...

Ah yes. And QT not done...

Tomorrow I'll hafta meet up with SSG Salma at Woodlands... SSG Chye covering the reservists' IPPT in the morning... And I'll be helping in the evening. Yeah. Most logically, I'll be sleeping in camp tonight. Right. Yishun. So darn near Woodlands!~ Lolz.

Interesting. This week's interesting and tiring... Man. What else can there be in store for me? I'll wait and see. And understand what God's putting me through... Like today. What I learnt about conducting lessons? Be more professional... Project my voice... And it's already that muffled considering the phlegm blocking up my passages... And handle the microphone properly! Well. It's my first time... I'll be having loads more practice in the future...

Hmm. Tired. Interest piqued. What can possibly happen tomorrow? There's night training... So guaranteed half day off-in-lieu tomorrow... Lolz.

Joel.

Right after my Instructor’s Course finishes… I get arrows straightaway… Bleah. Why is it so fast? Can’t they like, give us a break? Oh well. I’ll have to take it as it is.

Arrows. Yeah. Today I just gave an IV lesson. Oh my goodness. Loaded stores, headed for Kranji Camp… Walked 15 minutes from Kranji to Yew Tee MRT station. Dang it’s far! And that’s where I’ll be stationed for the next 2 weeks. Damn. So far away from home… Right… The ALTC… Army Logistics Training Centre. Bleah.

Well, not just that. Next Monday to Wednesday is burnt out in the field, observing and teaching the reservists during their 3 day 2 night field camp. Yes. Out in the field, jungles, whatever…

Which will post a great challenge to me and my PDL reading. And my Bible. And my New Life Kit. Yes. I’ll be put into lots of unnecessary trouble. And yes, I know it’s a test from God, to see how I’ll react in these circumstances. Pray for me yeah? And the flu that’s bugging me too… The worst part is, she doesn’t know how to prepare chicken soup!!  I’m sad.

Right. So from this test, I hope to learn… How to trust in God, how to put my faith in Him, and how to do my best even in these sort of circumstances. How to carry on my PDL in the midst of all this nonsense and all these arrows coming my way. Yes I’ll still put my trust in Him! However, saying it is easy. Doing it is a totally different thing.

Meanwhile. Met Chris Chia on the 165 yesterday heading for Hougang Central. What happened? Well he was supposed to take the 163… But apparently he was that blur to take the 165. Sigh. Study too much? RJC boy leh... Oh yes. What was I doing in Hougang Central? Getting a haircut... Which is like... A lil short? Recruit's style more likely...

In the end… I’ll still be rewarded for this. A long weekend next week if our performance is good, and at least 1.5 days of Off-In-Lieu to be claimed. What a wonderful feeling… But still… This Saturday I’ll book out really late. Heading to Tampines by 7am tomorrow to meet SSG Chye, and onward to camp.

Joel.

Right after my Instructor’s Course finishes… I get arrows straightaway… Bleah. Why is it so fast? Can’t they like, give us a break? Oh well. I’ll have to take it as it is.

Arrows. Yeah. Today I just gave an IV lesson. Oh my goodness. Loaded stores, headed for Kranji Camp… Walked 15 minutes from Kranji to Yew Tee MRT station. Dang it’s far! And that’s where I’ll be stationed for the next 2 weeks. Damn. So far away from home… Right… The ALTC… Army Logistics Training Centre. Bleah.

Well, not just that. Next Monday to Wednesday is burnt out in the field, observing and teaching the reservists during their 3 day 2 night field camp. Yes. Out in the field, jungles, whatever…

Which will post a great challenge to me and my PDL reading. And my Bible. And my New Life Kit. Yes. I’ll be put into lots of unnecessary trouble. And yes, I know it’s a test from God, to see how I’ll react in these circumstances. Pray for me yeah? And the flu that’s bugging me too… The worst part is, she doesn’t know how to prepare chicken soup!!  I’m sad.

Right. So from this test, I hope to learn… How to trust in God, how to put my faith in Him, and how to do my best even in these sort of circumstances. How to carry on my PDL in the midst of all this nonsense and all these arrows coming my way. Yes I’ll still put my trust in Him! However, saying it is easy. Doing it is a totally different thing.

Meanwhile. Met Chris Chia on the 165 yesterday heading for Hougang Central. What happened? Well he was supposed to take the 163… But apparently he was that blur to take the 165. Sigh. Study too much? RJC boy leh... Oh yes. What was I doing in Hougang Central? Getting a haircut... Which is like... A lil short? Recruit's style more likely...

In the end… I’ll still be rewarded for this. A long weekend next week if our performance is good, and at least 1.5 days of Off-In-Lieu to be claimed. What a wonderful feeling… But still… This Saturday I’ll book out really late. Heading to Tampines by 7am tomorrow to meet SSG Chye, and onward to camp.

Joel.

Right. What I've learnt from PDL after 2 weeks of reading and digesting.

- God wants to be in our lives 24/7. Not just when we like it or want it. But we have to accept that He's always there.

- We're continually being tested by God in whatever we experience throughout our lives. To develop our character and so that we will not be too attached to the things of this earth. Why? To prepare us for Heaven, that's why!

- Worship is passionate and is also 24/7. We can talk to God anytime. The reason why He sometimes doesn't appear to be listening and why He sometimes seems so distant... He's just testing you to see if your faith can remain solid even though it seems as if the rock on which you're standing has been removed from under you. So spiritual dryness is just another character development thingy.

- Confessing doubts about what plans God has for you directly to Him is another profound act of faith.

- It's all about God. Everything's for Him. Not for ourselves. So whatever we have... Just leave it to Him, to be in control. And you won't feel so stressed!

- Let worship be fresh and authentic, coming straight from your own heart. After all, praising God with the same old stuff can get boring and cliched at times. So be authentic, and come up with new ideas!

More to come soon... After a few more weeks! Lolz.

Joel.

Oh well. Let's just say I was plagued... Somehow the rhythm didn't seem to flow today. Hmm well weird thing is people said worship was good. But then even when we do make errors... It might influence the congregation's attention to worship. Yet I suppose if they're really into communicating with God, it would be hard to distract them with a wrong drum beat or something. And they said the slow songs were good. That I must agree. Raw, unbridled passion unleashed onto the cymbals and all. That's a concept I gleaned from PDL. Heh.

Right... So let's see... I've got another *bleah* [b]HATEFUL[/b] lesson coming up. Seriously, help me. I wanna jump into the real teaching right now... I dunwan to go through another simulated lesson of teaching the rest of the guys in my group. Help. That is so ultra boring and dreadful, I tell you...

Sigh. Must I really go through tomorrow?

On a lighter note, I'm thankful to God that He's really in control. That I've got one less problem to handle... And she's still that cute! Lol. And yes, I'm slowly starting to be on talking terms with her again...

But. Heh. I'm still in love with Maria Sharapova. Lolz. :wink:

Heh. Weird week this has been. Like whoa. Getting my hands on the new medic trainees and somewhat slacking with them instead of pushing them to train until their skills are that kilat… Well. Now I know how the sergeants feel! Especially the regulars down there… Super boring. And they do this batch after batch after batch. Maybe signing on isn’t such a good idea. And I’m teaching reservists. Whoa… A simplified scope to look at, less content to teach… And I’ll be doing it for the next 2 years. Until ORD.

Hoho. Had practice for Sunday this week, and I’m still unsure as to how I’ll handle the 16 beat Let the Heavens Rejoice (courtesy of Mr Nah), because by the end of the first chorus both my hands are numb. And it’s the opening song. Yes. Well done. But still. I’m not in control. God’s always in control.

And yes. More of what I’ve learnt from the Purpose Driven Life... God lets us go through ups and downs to mould our character. And when it seems He ain’t there, don’t be fooled. He still is. He’s just testing you to see if you have faith in Him to tide through any situation, because He loves you and wants you to grow spiritually in Him! It’s just a test to develop your faith!

Wow, ain’t it? More than anything else, God wants to be your friend. You can express your dislike for what He does in your life, but above all, it’s all to the best of your benefit, because He loves you as if you were the only one on earth. The more passionate you are communicating with Him, using your own original ideas and praises, the closer He will get to you. And that’s how I’ve been feeling all week. God is present! Well… Twice I’ve been really mad at people, and twice God has calmed me down. Isn’t that amazing? Because if you all don’t know, I rarely do get mad. But when madness rears its ugly head… Better stay away from me! But now… It’s different.

Oh yes. And I’ve decided to talk to her again… Lolz.

And yes. The bottomline is, God is great. Cos Joel said so!

To prevent me from shooting myself in the foot further... I suppose I ought to cease communications with her... Till the thing has blown over? And yet I find myself pining for her. Sigh. How complicated can matters be now? I suppose I'm complicating it myself. I suppose she doesn't care, and I'm over reacting. But heck. For the sake of peace... God help me.

I'm feeling that helpless right now. Argh. A test from God, nevertheless. How can I handle all this? Sheesh... Seriously... Now I'm really at my wits' end... Though people say it ain't all that serious, but I'm taking it very very very seriously. Bleah. Ceasing communications already feels that bad, I haven't talked to her yesterday and today and I'm feeling that bad. To see her cute lil face, to see her big warm smile, it cheers my heart a big deal. And yet. Shit happens.

Ack! Now... Well. I'll have to be mesmerised by another Maria. Maria Sharapova. That hot, blonde, leggy Russian babe. Oh my goodness. I'm enamoured with her.

Well! Blogging from my best friend's house. Heh. Using the comp while she's at CGL meeting. Ain't I evil? :wink: Ah wells. Parents got gathering at her house mah. No choice right.

Sheesh. So this week. She called me on Tuesday, saying that *her* friends had bugged her about why I was doing such-and-such a thing to *her* last Sunday. Well. Can't they approach me themselves? Sheesh. Sounds a lil cowardly, shooting me using my best friend as a suitable vantage point and a great shield obviously.

My learning this week: Life is something temporary that we experience on earth. It is full of tests that God springs out to see if we can perform that well in Heaven. And how much we can trust Him. Hence, life can be unpredictable at times, merely a testing by God.

Since life is that short, we oughta spend our time and resources wisely. Because they are merely loans from the great Almighty which we can only utilise during our short spans on earth. We can't take anything to heaven. So... To live a life worthy of God, and prove our resolve. How we do anything tasked to us has eternal implications.

So... How I react to the abovementioned situation... How can I live a life that God wants? It's all about Him. And my mindset has to be conditioned in that way. Initially when my best friend told me about it... Well. There was quite a significant amount of anger and resentment in my heart. But well. By the grace of God, it has dissipated. Praise be to God Almighty!

What have I learnt?

Day 1: It's not me that matters. God made me for His own purposes. It's not what I think I'm here for that counts.

Day 2: I was not made by accident. God has a plan for me!

And yes. How do I relate this to my own life right now?

*Her*: It isn't as if *she* belongs to me or something. And I can't force God to let me have her. *She* herself was made as a special creation of God. And God has His own purposes for her and for me. Ah yes. Ack.

Finances: Obviously, money doesn't belong to me. Fine... Spending on necessities is a must, but on luxuries... Try to spend less, and give mroe back to God for the work of His people... Ah yes. I haven't been giving much offering... Only the tithes. Ack.

Spiritually: Communicate more with Him? A Christ-centred life, and not a Joel-centred life. Heh. To find out more of his purposes for me. What He wants me to do as opposed to what I want myself to do.

Physically: I ought to lose weight. It's not as if I was made this way, I was the one who determined my size. (Yes, by eating too much, :-( bleah) And yes, I oughta take care of my body... Sigh!

Emotionally: To remove any trace of self-centredness and to focus on the goodness of God, at the same time sending out overflows of God's love to others. Ah wells. I'm starting to do it with no 1, no 2, no 3, no 5, *her* and *her* sister... And not to make too many disparaging remarks. Which can disturb others without me knowing it. Damn.

Nah. I'd say reds or purples or yellows or oranges or lime greens. Something bright.

Dunno why. Though it's super cloudy I'm feeling great. And it's threatening to rain. And tomorrow the Instructors' Preparatory Course starts. And all the regimentation all over again.

Sigh. 2 more weeks of this. And 8 more weeks of Spec II. And no more regimentation. Just behave yourself and that's it. Lolz. Darn. TV in bunk. Utilisation of chargers. Own time own target lights out, meals, etc, etc. No more marching the ridiculously short distances from cookhouse to accoms block! Lolz.

Maybe because I'm worrying less now. Not thinking about her. Let God do the work. I'll just sit back and pray. Heh.

With insight from the Purpose Driven Life, I suppose it's much simpler. I don't live my life for my own self. It's for God. And what He wants me to do. I'll do it.

*Thoughts sorted out already*

Pleasant surprises! Booked out at like 2pm... Still made it on time for church... Haha. *Phew* Last minute found out about worship team training... Heh. Had to siam from the NS guys meeting halfway. Bleah. Wanted to train Kelvin, but ah wells. Too bad. Next time...

Hmm... She's talking to me less now... I wonder what I'll do next... Maybe dun talk to her as well? It could be better that way instead...

Well. God is great!

Miserable Saturday's gonna be burned... And no claiming off for it... Though instructors can. Quite unfair ain't it? Sheesh! Wasting our time, making us observe lessons going on. And yes. We've already sat through one, for goodness sake... Another one?! Bleah. I hate burning my Saturdays. Means I'll see her less. And I'll hate the SAF for that. Though God might be pulling me away from her. Haha. I'll never know. Yet.

Well. The week was boring. Teaching new reservists the same old nonsense, and covering up, and recording fake scores all for the sake of ISO... SAF is truly becoming a wayang place. Slack... Wayang... The SAF ought to be renamed as Slack Acting Forces... Lolz. Seriously. Considering the pioneers who went through all the nonsense in the past, we can't even hold a burned out candle to them. Let alone a fresh one. Bleah. The SAF.

Sigh.

Joel. :-(