Yeah... Dots... Went shopping... Now I've got a new sling bag! Haha... Blue colour... $29.90... 1 thing down, now I'm left with 2 things on my shopping list: 1) A new digital camera, to lend to her for her prom. 2) A new pair of basketball shoes!

Either way, I think I'm gonna get poorified soon... Considering December's spending amount... Woohoo... Budget deficit time man...

Dots... After today's message... I'm still finding it hard to love Ivan Goh... Especially when he's still dao-ing me! Lolz... At least purple dots is supportive... And her sister too! Haha... Gonna keep working on that area... And that's a massive prayer request in itself...

Wells… Just woke up from a 2hr nap… And feeling fighting fit to take on the next week already, no matter how screwed up it’s gonna be… Thanks God… I suppose I really need support from others as well as You… Thanks for my toot-ish dots, and thanks for my purple dots, and thanks for purple dots’ sister too!

I’m gonna take on any challenges that come my way with Your help.

Joel.

Can be summed up into 1 word. Bad. Well. The training... All the theory aspects are covered nicely... Once it comes to the administration everything just screws up big time.  I suppose I'm frustrated. I'm really frustrated. How to survive 7 more weeks like this? The administration really cannot make it, and all I can think of about this situation is that God wants me to cultivate patience... But it's crappy! Let's face it. Which instructor would tell us to assemble at a certain time, let's say 7pm, then come down at 7.20 and say "Eh, cannot wait is it?" That's very un-instructorly like, in my opinion. And everything is just delayed because they haven't the faintest idea how to multitask. Furthermore, the Course Senior Instructor (read: the one running the whole course) doesn't have an inkling of how to teach even though he's got Level 4 qualifications and we're training to be Level 2... What we ask him, he can never give satisfactory answers ... How? How?

The sad truth is that within the course, only the Course Commander and the SCDF (Civil Defence) instructor can really teach properly, and as for the SCDF instructor, she's hot. Maybe not. She's cute. Like my purple one. But of course the purple one's cuter, no? Lolz...

I need God. I've been challenged to do QT lately... Because I don't have the motivation to do it. How can you do it in such adverse situations? I don't know. And yet I know He'll give me strength to endure this.

Yes. Otherwise, it's gonna be 7 weeks of boredom, frustration, and angst. I don't want that to happen. I want to perform my best for this.

Joel.

Yeah... Well. Decided to go out and actually splurge for once. Hmm... And treated her sister to KFC in the process... She didn't want me to treat her... Lolz. And in the end I went to her house, too... Saw an albino rabbit by the name of Snowy, and they were cleaning the rabbit's cage. Meanwhile the rabbit was pissing and crapping around the place... Haha... In the end helped them to do housework, and Maria was like sorta bossing me around... Well... Gotta get a taste of it first? Haha... Talked to her more too... About the army, about me wanting to go to the missions hospital in Africa in future and that I'd drag her along, she'd study French and be my interpreter, whatever... Yeah. Great day today... Meanwhile, looking at the stuff that Sarah and Maria's got around the house, I've decided not to call them that much already... Haha... Yeah... They've got lots of stuff to do man...

Hmm. Today's message was interesting. Basically about total obedience to God. And today, helped to distribute flyers selling mooncakes... Yeah! It's for our TM camp fundraising... So I'm praying that all parents do help to support...

Ivan just flew to Brunei for his Jungle Confidence Course yesterday... And he's not feeling too well... Another prayer for him... That he recovers in time to go for his JCC... I wanna see him wear the JCC badge on his unfirom with pride! Lolz. All officer cadets must go through this... But it doesn't affect whether they get commissioned as officers or not... It's like a side dish only... Not the main course...

Level II course starts tomorrow, and I suppose I've got a really low morale now... Maybe going to their house, seeing her, talking to her did help today... Otherwise, bleah. Level II... No freedom for 8 weeks.

Joel.

Yeah... Super weird, I guess. When do you actually not go for practice but in the end play the whole thing? It happened today... Nah actually got mobilised for some exercise and I took over there and then... WIthout any prior warmup, practice, or even knowing the order of songs to be played. And I actually pulled off something decent. Thanks God. I needed your help.

Apparently I could've gone for a long weekend instead of stoning in the office today, but well... Never mind...

Joel.

It's never fun to get a flu on a Friday just before the weekend starts. Bleah. Yeah well... I'm typing this entry out in the office... Now's like, 7.20am? Sheesh! I'll be stoning here in the office till like 11am... Bleah. Being here for the sake of being here.

Last night, talked to my future sis-in-law... On the phone... And I was bugging her as to why guys were so disgusting in her opinion... Lolz. Yeah... Stuff like guys always like to find girls that they can protect, to show off their macho-ness... And why guys are stimulated by sight... Yeah. That sorta stuff...

In the end we ended talking about Ivan Goh and she actually challenged me to talk to him today... Bleah! How to... It's super difficult man... Not when I don't like him that much, and furthermore I've already got a diabolical scheme against him for camp... Sheesh! She said... But well we have to embrace all sorts of people in the Christian faith...

And that's got me thinking... That's what PDL has said too... We can't love ideal people... We need real people around us to love... Ok... Project 1: Ivan Goh?! It's gonna be difficult, though. Bleah. But it is critical for us to do so, to promote fellowship! And REAL fellowship at that, too...

Joel. Rather confused.

Ah yes... Forever updating once I've got Internet access... Heh... Yeah...

Well. This week... Tiring man! 5km on Mon, yesterday 1.2km circuit training, then today another 3km + static exercises. Bleah. My arms are aching...

Hmm... Today she had her oral... And she was asking me to pray for her last night... Cos she had a fever & a sore throat! Poor lil lady. Well, it subsided during the oral, thank God! But it came back on... Again... Yeah... She's sleeping like a lil baby now... Out like a log. Lolz.

This week's been rather interesting. Many a time this week I have found myself face to face with one of my oldest temptations. One of man's oldest temptations, in fact. Yeah... I switched on the TV at 9.25pm last night, just to see the 3 Charmed sisters in some super skimpy suits that any hot blooded male would have nose bled in 5 seconds. In the past I would've carried on and drooled, but this time, I simply focused my thoughts on something else... God's good. And I'm changing! And yes... The distraction that bugged me... Now it's gone! Another test from God which I've cleared... But can I remain committed to her? That's my ultimate test.

What was I wanting to watch? Amazing Race... And it's gotten me thinking... No matter how far ahead in our own personal race that God has given us to run, people still can overtake us. It's our finishing of the tasks that God has given us that matters! How we serve, how we minister to others... Nothing else counts as much as pleasing God!

And I shall abide in God. I'm trembling with trepidation because of my Level II course... But my 2 main aims there are to continue serving God in church (I have faith in my Wednesday nights off when there is practice!) and to perform my best in the course... Apparently for us potential instructors we'll get a day off if we're placed top 10... Haha...

Yeah. That's about the end.

Joel. Toots + Dots.

Another 5km run today... And it's not an ordinary 5km... Lots of ups and downs... End result? I'm tired. I'm really tired.

Short blog entry. Nothing much to talk about today. Just that because of her I'm facing lots of distractions! Argh... I want to fulfil my 3 year commitment but it's really so difficult to do so... Especially all the distractions coming up around me... I wanna be faithful... To her and her alone... No one else can stop me! Unless it's God Himself... I'm just in a quandary... Is God telling me to stop, or is it another of Satan's distracting ploys? Bleah.

Joel. :?

What to say Lord,
It's You who gave me life and I
Can't explain just how
Much You mean to me now
Cos You have saved me Lord,
I give all that I am to You
That every day I can
Be a light that shines Your Name!

Every day Lord I'll
Learn to stand upon Your Word
And I pray that I
I might come to know You more
That You would guide me in every single step I take
That every day, I can be a light unto Your World!

Every day, it's You I'll live for!
Every day, I'll follow after You!
Every day, I'll walk with You my Lord!

It's You I live for, every day...

I realise that I need to get serious with myself. I can't just put up a facade in front of everyone else, I need to display the real me. Why? I don't want to have a superficial relationship with my toots (or dotses), I want to go deeper down into their lives. How they feel about certain issues. HOw they react to situations in their lives.

Yeah. Like my own life. How I react... Hmm... Especially with that purple one... Sometimes I think that hey, she's not an issue anymore, yet at other times the passion is becoming just too much to bear. She's the one I'm certain I want to spend the rest of my life with. But other side distractions will just invariably pop up and give me the "Sure not?" look... I'm just boggled and bowled over by the situation at times... I just feel so helpless and lost that I don't know what to do.

Secondly... My talking without thinking. The oldest sin in the book to date. Heh. Talking without thinking... It just happens so spontaneously... Especially in times when we have to be diplomatic and some stuff just has to be covered up... Yeah... In camp especially, it's a really hei1 an4 (read: dark!) place...

Thirdly... My pride... And sometimes unwillingness to learn... That's also another bane of my life... Which is sometimes super disgusting to my ownself especially when there's a great opportunity for learning and yet I pass it over because I don't see the need to learn there and then. Bleah. My attitude sucks!

I know I'm flawed. Everyone is equally flawed. No one is made perfect.

But I can do all things through Him who gives me strength, no?

Well... Booked in last night just to train 2 men today... Nonsensically nonsensical... And the purple one's sister would have described it as crappy... Not the situation, but the "nonsensically nonsensical" phrase... Haha...

2 men only... What to train? Sheesh! Released them by 1pm after training them to the best of our ability... And a lil cover ups... For example... They can't even hold needles properly, shoot what? But we covered one eye and passed them... Just so that we would skip the monotony of writing some dumb reports as to why they failed. Bleah.

Yeah... Left at around 1.15pm... Actually managed to chiong home for lunch and get home to time! A miracle! Haha... Yeah... Got there right on the dot too...

At 3pm... Then Renzi was talking about time management... And always prioritising our things... Well.. It hasn't been a problem with moi yet... I've got excess time to burn actually. And much of that time is spent with God... And it's been quite enriching as of late. While the purple one's sister is wondering why I have so much time to bug her all the time... And I can't pass her any of my spare time! :( Lolz.

Well... Gonna go for a run tomorrow... Weight loss training! Haha...

The Big One.

Well. Considering I left Clementi at 1130... Like really half day off.. Unofficially. And back home where I slept. Oh yes. And skipped lunch too. I'm seriously on a diet and interested in running and losing weight. My goodness I've gone garang about PT... Man!!

Bleah. But my PDL is trapped in camp... Bad idea eh? Booking in tonight... Tomorrow got training on... Hopefully the 2 guys supposed to come dun come man! 2 guys... What to teach? Sheesh! Yeah. Time to get my PDL done. Time to do more important stuff... Like prep myself for Level 2... Yeah! 23rd August... And less freedom for like 7 weeks... After that get my 3SG rank liao... Finally... Hehe.

I've gotta do my PDL. And wasted my half day. I couldn't go back to camp too early otherwise I'd get screwed for ending too early. Way too early. But I'm happy for that. Yeah... All my time spent at home stoning... Praying... doing QT... listening to "Everyday" and "Lift Up Your Eyes" and "I Believe" for umpteen times... I still love those songs lor.

Hmm... Time to improve my drumming even more... And frankly I'm worried. What to do after PDL? I'll trust God to lead me to something else... Then can prep myself for doing PDL a 2nd time round in September...

Joel. The Big One.

Hmm. Change in plan. No half day off! Considering I finished at 4.30pm today and 3.30pm yesterday, and most likely tomorrow latest would be like 2.30pm, it's more than a half day off in total anyways already...

Well. Talked to the purple one last night... Something in common with me: She dislikes Chinese passionately! Haha... So darn interesting... We were crapping about Chinese all the way... And what, she wants to borrow my new digicam for her prom? Whee... I'm so honoured! Haha... Nah... kidding... Any of my toots can borrow it too.... Once I get it? Soon... Like end of this month or the next month... As long as it's before her prom... Lolz.

The purple one's so cute! Damn. All the "hars..." coming again... Especially about having to take Chinese in JC... Lolz... Damn. Just buay tahan. Too sweet liao. I'm getting diabetes soon... And it's all her fault. Slap her.

Oh well... I still rue the fact that I'm gonna miss Saturday... Though I have a feeling that I might be able to make it in spite of the fact that we'll officially end late... But almost everything in Medic School... Or SMM (School of Military Medicine), better known as School of Many Mistakes, functions more as a by-left school than a by-right school. So... Unoficially we could be ending way before 5.30. And still claiming a half day off for that... How interesting!

Today I met one super bright thinking soldier... It's a rarity in the SAF... And I respect him for what he can do... His initiative, and how he thinks! Wow. And he's a reservist...

Joel. End of story. Gonna run later...

And still wondering... Why is life so cushy for me now? And I see so many people walking about with their burdens in life, some being excessively enormous to the point of crushing them? My life is indeed well-sheltered and protected now, I'm extremely grateful for that. Yet I look at my peers... I look at my toots... I look at the rest of the YF guys in army... And my left seems like a breeze when I sit down, reflect, and compare it with them. In fact, nothing seems to be going wrong at this point in time. Thus I'm just finding it weird..

Lord give me a heart for the lost. You can do anything. Even giving me a new, energized passion for running (even I'm bewildered by that). I need it right now... Time's ticking away... In the past I wasn't interested. I never had the boldness to go up and share with anyone. Not even my good friends. It seemed academically taboo. But now things have changed! I want to do something... Something fresh. Something new. Something that will please you!

And yes... No 1's said I ought to use my extra time wisely these few days... I'm working out how to... Starting up with calling the purple one later... Haha... No time to talk to her for long yesterday lor... Sheesh!

Yes folks. And now I'm trying to be serious.

Joel. The Big One.

Aching all over. Tired. Blisters developing. Heck. A good workout today... And that's all that matters.

Yesterday: A 5 min show where we had to jostle for 1hr plus just to get around the action, and another 1hr to get out of the city area. Bleah! Fireworks are so crappy... What's more the purple one wasn't there. Hmmm... Hehe... Shall not think too much of her, no?

No 1's in a chalet now and I'm wishing that I'm also in a chalet, or vacationing overseas, rather than envisioning myself booking in tonight in doing my part to "Serve the Nation". Heck, and it's National day today too... I would hate getting involved... What's the point man... Burning all my weekends? Off-in-lieu isn't enough as compensation...

I suppose my attempts at being serious have failed miserably, considering that I can never get serious with my toots around. Dang. Sigh!  How to be serious now man? Hmmm... Unless they're not around... Then I can make another attempt at being serious... Whatever man. Dots.

More updates on PDL: God wants to use our weaknesses to serve Him. He enjoys doing such stuff. The more vulnerable we are, the more we tend to rely on Him as well as others for prayer, and that encourages REAL fellowship. When we serve Him though we dunwan to because of our weaknesses, that's worship. And when we serve Him in our ministry to reach others, that's service! Man. That just struck me greatly...

God doesn't use perfect people to serve Him, mainly because... No one's perfect? Yeah... The more weaknesses we have that we need to depend on Him to supply the strength for, the more He will use us to serve Him. Nothing is impossible with God!

Oh well... Gonna be a super sian week, this week... Gotta give lessons on Wed, Thurs, Fri... Even Sat! Half day off-in-lieu, but as I've said before, it's worthless. My weekends are more precious than off-in-lieu... And tomorrow I'm supervising even more people poking needles... Bleah. Wed-Fri I'll be in Clementi Camp giving training to external units... Yes. Me. A mere private. And a medical trainer private at that. Sat... Well.... More boring lessons coming up lor. Bleah. Most likely won't be able to see my toots or the purple one on Sat...

The Big One.

 

Haha. Not really wasted. Had agreat time in worship. Right. Even people said I've improved. All thanks to no 2 last night... I really admire her. For her candidness and frankness, to cause me to re-evaluate my own attitude and my heart towards serving. Yes. I'm selfish. And my heart is hard toward learning. Why? My ego's acting up again... Bleah.

Bought her a birthday present... Happy belated birthday Maria!~ Well... 4 days late... Not so bad... And no 1 & no 5 filled in her birthday card too... Too bad no 2, no 3, no 4 and no 6 not around leh...

Nothing much else... Gonna watch fireworks later though... Cos no 1's dragging me out? Haha... Tired... Got basketball on tomorrow still! Lolz.

Need a rest soon.

Joel.

Well... To say the least, I suppose the week was quite bad, but interestingly it ended off on a good note...

Yeah... Wednesday had practice, which didn't go quite well, in my opinion... Dunno. Think Shaun was more interested in fooling around on the synthesiser than actually getting down to business. And no 2's right, my temper was showing that day... Well. It's a matter of playing sincerely from the heart and that's what I was trying to do, yet I get criticised for being too boring in the beat? Come on. Be realistic. You don't have to show me the way YOU want it, let God settle it on His own! No matter how boring the drumbeat is or how badly a song is played, it's up to God's people to decide if they want to worship sincerely or not. Yes. It's their hearts! It's they who decide if they want to switch off... And it's God who calls all the shots when we're playing! So you don't have a right to criticise me. Yes I was pissed about it, but I've put it all behind me.

Waste my time watching you play a fool, what the heck... But I don't have a right to comment. I seriously don't. In the end, time spent for practice is time spent in God's presence. And I'm the one clamouring to go off early, that's my own sin, for wanting to leave God's presence that quickly. I need the servant's heart still... I'm not fully geared up toward serving God unconditionally yet as the things of the world are still boggling my mind.

And yet this week God has been seemingly distant, and I was wondering why... So I was just asking and asking, and seeing if He was actually testing me or if my attitude was wrong in a certain aspect... Then Thursday night He told me to spend an hour with Him, and I found out what was wrong... In that hour, I realised that I've been taking God for granted... When He in fact owes me nothing and I owe Him all of my life, yet I was taking it the other way round subconsciously? Well I've confessed that and I'm back on track with God again...

Wednesday was her birthday. And now I haven't bought anything for her yet! But still she doesn't mind it even if it's 2 months late. How sweet of her! She's been that cute this week... And sweet of her too... Man... I don't mind this sorta relationship now... Good friends? Haha... I've gotta maintain it for 3 years first...

Today... 5km run at East Coast, stretching my already overtaxed muscles further. Suddenly I've found a new joy in running, something I've never felt before. Bleah. Yes. my body is groaning all over again... Haha... Tiring. But still I feel enough energy to carry on. Weird eh? Well...

Joel. Struck by the power of God.

Lolz... I'm tapping out... 3 days of thinking and I haven't thought of anything fruitful. Yes. For tomorrow. My latest idea is treating her to dinner tomorrow, but that's only if

i) I can take half day off tomorrow
ii) I can convince her to go out (WITH ME!)
iii) She is allowed to go out

Well. I think it wouldn't happen. Cos she hasn't replied me yet. Bleah!

Heck... I shall not be too involved in this. Help! I'm thinking of her too much again! Why? Darn... I'm really thinking too much and shutting God out... Help... Tolong... I'm in trouble again... Why's she becoming my main focus in life again? I'm losing focus... It has to be God and yet it's shifting away from God. When I've painstakingly moved it back to God it's threatening to shift again. Bleah. Prayers needed. :?

I hate this. Now I have to refocus again? How many times must this go on? Bleah...