I should say I'm sick and tired of it all. I'm gonna start a new life again...

Bleah. I know what's wrong, I'm trying to go against it... But still I can succumb sometimes. The temptation of man! Lust of the flesh... Hard to get rid of, but I'll do it... With the help of God... I'm just a mere mortal. I can't get anything done on my own!

Meanwhile, a renewing of my mind and my old self has to take place. To get rid of the old stuff, cos I'm a new creation in Christ! What am I clinging on to all the old stuff for?

I hate sin.

Lord, tell me where you are right now. I seem to be missing the whole point. My life seems to be in shambles without You around. I need You badly yet You don't seem to be there. Is it because You choose to hide Your face away or is it me being unable to reach You because I am just a mere mortal sinner? Lord I need You... Far more than anything else in the world! Not even her!
Show me your ways, and teach me to have an undivided heart, Lord. I know I'm wrong. I have sinned greatly. Forgive me, Father.
Am I still a child of God? I'm questioning that myself. Have I fallen enslaved to the principles of this world? I don't know!
I need You. I'm desperate for Your presence once again.
Your son.

 

Saturday, 25th September 2004

Time to blog again. About my experiences on the ambulance. Yeah… Performing CPR all the way from their house to the hospital. Bleah. Yeah. 2 heart failure cases. Old people. And I did CPR. And yeah. They still passed away. Too bad for my efforts. Sigh. This sucks. And they died. Sheesh!

And I missed church today. Bleah. Considering the slump I’m in right now, I really need God. Seriously. I can’t miss anymore of Him. No way! Uh uh. Exclamation mark. Extra emphasis added. No. I need Him more than anything else right now. To combat the thoughts in my brain, the pretty nurses in Changi Hospital. Hehe. It’s fun working with them. Especially when they’re from China & the Philippines and they’ve got lots of stuff to share… Ah well. Whatever. It’s fun working with them, help them wheel patients around, to do housekeeping. Lolz.

9 calls today. A patient who complained of giddiness but refused to go hospital, 2 traffic accidents where the patient let before we arrive, another accident with a fractured ankle, the 2 dead, etc etc.

And 1 stomach pain at 8pm! (My shift ended at 9pm) I was so happy… Thought it was a pregnant woman… Then I reached there… And found a male, suffered from stroke, hypertension, diabetes… BLEAH. No pregnant woman. I’ll wait and see what tomorrow brings.

I’m tired. A 13 hr work day today. And it’s a rest day! Sheesh. Getting it back on Tuesday… Off on Tuesday! But what can I do other than stay home & sleep? Sigh. Yeah. And maybe start scouting out for lightsticks already… Haha…


Sunday, 26th September 2004

Well, felt like business as usual today, playing for both worship services… Felt great to be there. Played well, but I was just displaying an unexpected mood swing which even I couldn’t pinpoint why. Thought it was because I didn’t talk to her much today, but no it wasn’t. Confessed my sucky attitude to God but it still stuck with me throughout the afternoon.

Came to the conclusion that my irritability and restlessness was due to some mild dehydration. Inadequate intake of fluids & electrolytes the night before. After some siong calls especially… Had some salt drinks and now I’m up & gunning already… Apologies for my mood today, folks.

Yeah… Gonna go back for one more round of ambulance later… Anyone up for movies tomorrow? Haha… Nah. Forget it.

Joel.

Oh no... This is getting bad... I'm being bombarded on all sides again... Spiritual... Now my latest crush is Jennifer Love Hewitt... And she's babelicious. Hot. Whoa.

Where's the me 2 months ago, when I could just trust God freely, talk to Him easily, and all? It's slipping away from me, and I'm sliding back. Depressing. But life was never meant to be easy like that anyways. So I'll have to trust in God, set my heart back right, and not think about Love Hewitt! For what? Think about her and be lost in my own world of fantasies and sin even more? Forget it man. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength!

Food for thought: How to remain faithful and true even in these times of adverse circumstances.

Clear bedsheets, serve water, wheel patients around... I suppose, well, being a nurse is like being a maid + servant + receptionist + nagging mother rolled into one... Hehe...

But at least it's fun. A nursing paramedic in future? Haha... The purple one was rather tickled when she realised I'd be handling real cases... In the hospital, on the ambulance... Heh heh.

Joel.

Yeah. Day 1 of it. And worked around the observation area, the resuscitation area, etc etc. And observed how different the hospital is from the SAF. Sure, while working, saw that my friend had been admitted in for observation for a fall last night, but left after that. So I didn't see her around. Haha.

But well, doing all this stuff for 7.5 hours can be quite tiring. So I'm thankful I'm staying home this whole week. Haha. Too bad, my Saturday's burnt due to the ambulance attachment...

Hmm... Otherwise, I'd find the hospital a quite nice place to work in. Keeps you on your toes monitoring patients' conditions. And... To see a fracture being put in a cast for the very first time. And... To take blood pressure without accidentally "molesting" female patients... Yes, they're lying down and all when I put the cuff, and sometimes my hand slips cos I'm that clumsy, but I never did mean it to be intentional. Well... can be quite stressful at times...

Sheesh. So I'm home now, and preparing for tonight's practice. I'm hungry man.

Joel. :P

Food for thought... How to apologise...

I suppose, anyone in the world would find it difficult. More so if the opposite party will continue to bombard you with childish insults, most of it aimed at lowering your own self-esteem in the very first place. And others, well they just continue making insensitive remarks all the time, snide at its very worst. Also aimed at the normal human's neurologic centre to just want to retaliate back. In the end when it comes to reconciliations, it would be better off not knowing that particular person (or people) at all.

It's difficult. Logically speaking. And sometimes a belief in the word of God alone doesn't help. Faith needs actions! Actions speak louder than words. And of course, what it takes is full submission. But what happens if the other party still wants to be that petty? Seriously I don't know. I cannever fully understand humans. Only God can, since the beginning of mankind!

I dunno... I'd just prefer maintaining a distance away from them... Not to associate myself with them... Prevents more psychologically trauma barrage appearing. Is that right? No. But I'm not sure how to handle this! Bleah.

Finally! This week... Well... Seems to be time for pissing people off and getting pissed off... I dunno why... Could be due to my playfulness and other peoples' seemingly childish reactions... Really. And some hurtful, insulting remarks thrown, whether the people in question mean it or not, the damage has been done. And somewhat irreparable too.

Well... Sometimes... It's just hard to fathom understanding the souls of other people. Only God can really go deep inside and see what's happening, and I can't be judgmental. To forgive people is one thing, to trust in them again... Can be developed over time. Anyways, we'll all be going our separate ways soon after the end of the course. Seriously I do want to make some reparations for what I've done but before I can do anything I get insulted by the fella in question... What am I expected to do? Swallow my pride and let him shoot me further or just keep my ears deaf? Seriously, I don't know what to do. If he still wants to remain that childish I can't do anything either. And it was a playful act of mine that caused him to get pissed off, I concede, but whatever remarks he has made has far outweighed that simple little act. I regret doing it in the first place already.

Friday night, and I'm given the option to stay out, to return tomorrow morning... But well. I shall just go in tonight... And have some fun on my own... Heh heh...

Joel.

Diabetic, cardiac failure, asthma, chronic bronchitis, severe allergic reactions... Name these and I've gone through these complications... Tomorrow's unconsciousness... And all this has to be drilled into our heads for the practicals next Tuesday? Wow. Lots of time to prepare... Sheesh! It makes no relevance lor... I'm just waiting for the military phase lah... I'm teaching more military stuff than civilian stuff? what would reservists say about diabetic emergencies? "Screw it, call 995!" Yeah man... So it actually makes no sense unless someone collapses on the street somehow and I'm there on scene...

Her prelims are up this week, and I've decided not to bug her yet... 1 more week, all the way until next Wednesday... Boring.

Anyways, been prepared to book out late on Saturday... Come on man... It's supposed to be a 5 day week, and we're staying back LATE on Saturday just to get some ideas on what to prepare for our medical theory exam? I don't think anyone would study on Sunday though...

Bleah. I just wish this course was over soon. By 18th October...

Joel.

A continuation from yesterday. It's been bad. And lately... I've noticed a trend too... About feeling high on Sundays and Mondays, ok on Tuesdays, then it starts dropping on Wednesdays, getting worse on Thursdays and absolutely rock bottom on Fridays. Why? This is kinda dumb... Especially when I oughta be more aware of my own life and what's going on, rather than let it spiral downwards... Is it because I don't know what to do? Or I know what's going on but can't be bothered to do anything? I'd say Option no 2... Next time I'll just do my QT away from bunk... Can't get anything done while they're talknig in there... It's an absolute distraction! And I just realised that? Like oh my goodness... How could that be?! Nonsensical... Man... I need to do something about it...

What I need now, is not some anti-depressant drug or some miracle formula to keep me going. It's just all about finding a more conducive environment! And to remember that God's always there... No matter what happens... It's not about her, it's about God. Whatever satan does can easily be reflected back. After reading the passage on David & Goliath, I feel stronger in Christ right now. All thoughts of her originating from satan... Will be bounced back! I will not let any evil ideas from him corrupt my brain! No way! I am a child of God!

God reigns! Satan has no power! I still love Maria thoroughly! But the difference is, with God, relationships are improved. WIth satan, relationships deteriorate. So obviously... I can continue my QT! Not a single force of evil can stop me from doing it, to be with my God, the Creator and Saviour of my useless soul!

Joel. I may seem too carried away.

Let’s just say this week was rather bad. Couldn’t concentrate on QT, performed below expectations for my trauma tests, suffering from apathy and the shock from the continuation of a 5½ day week… Bleah. The whole week was bad… But still… Thank God for purple dots… Well… She’s been really great… A morale booster, a friend to rely on, most of all, someone who can just pull you up from the dumps… And still. I’ve been thinking of her too much this week…

 

Not during my lessons, of course, but strangely during my free time… During my QT… And of course my mind will wander when I think about her, and what happens? Ineffective QT. I have a feeling it’s satan’s distractions… But this week I can’t seem to pull myself away from it. Neither does prayer work, it seems as if God has pulled away. Or hidden His face. But then, what right do I have to demand that He show His presence all the time? I’ve sinned against Him time and time again, why must He accede to my demands? I’m being selfish. And self-centred. That’s why I’m thankful for purple dots… She prayed… And she told me to refocus… And she said it could be a test from God… True, but I know it’s because I didn’t focus on God this week… And simply self-destructed from then on.

 

Yeah. It got so bad yesterday I seriously didn’t feel like playing for youth service today. But no 1, purple dots, and purple dots’ sister… Whom I’ll call big dots… As well as my dimwitted best friend… They prayed. And I’m thankful for that. Because people said the music went well today. Meanwhile last night I was just struggling, crying out, grappling with it…I just know that I need tio refocus. And to get right with God.

 

Furthermore, to let God take control… For the past 2 weeks I’ve had this feeling that she’ll be with me in the end… And I seem to be overacting according to circumstances… Yeah… The time still isn’t right! I’ve committed it to be 4^th August 2007, and it’d better remain as that. And that’s a commitment. I just wanna develop my friendship with her further… And not take too big a step at one time. Because that’s me. Impulsive. And I have to change my behaviour.

 

Joel.

Somehow I think doing 2 consecutive days of PDL ain't good... Too much? Or maybe I've read it all through and I think it's a waste of time. Honestly. I need to change my attitude. After no 2 shot my tender spot yesterday about not liking people due to some childish, immature, frivolous reason... Bleah. Including people like Ivan Goh... Yeah... I seriously need to re-evaluate myself on where I stand. Dots. That's the thing with no 2. She's so blardy honest. Bleah. Dots. My attitude sucks! And I have to change it! Come on boy... What's wrong with yourself? Can't you see that you're just preventing youtself from enjoying true communion and fellowship with others? Stop being so self-centred... And above all, GROW UP!

Bought a new pair of Nike basketball shoes at $103 today... At Mustafa Centre... Well... Bag, shoes done... Left with my digicam... For mother to check if she can get it at lower-priced cos it's a Fuji brand and she works at Fuji? Hmm... See how lor. Slim, and AAA batteries, can fit into pocket easily, the purple one'll definitely like it. Hehe. However, at $569... She'd better not lose it during her prom lor. Lolz.

Darn... 6 more weeks! And I'm free... Free to do almost anything I want within the context of the SAF... And 5 day work week... And loads of other stuff! 6 more weeks and counting... 42 days!

Joel.

6 more weeks to go... Meanwhile, more hectic studying going on, and more frustration due to the inefficiencies of those higher up in rank and command... Yeah... Otherwise the course's a fun place to be... New friends, time to play basketball/run every night, and time to do QT! Not to mention some time to slack too...

And everyone's exams are coming up... In like 1 month's time? All the best lor... But remember... As what I've told the purple one... Studying too much is bad for health hor. Must relac a bit. But not too much like me lah. Cos I'm a slacker who still can get those slightly above average results... Heheh. Negative example.

Otherwise... The week was rather uneventful. More IVs though... But even IVs can be slacked through and records falsified... It's always a tradition like this for the Level 2 Course lah... Too bad lor. For the normal medic training... 10 successful shots... Now, 6... Which can be faked, of course...

I'm just waiting for the end of the year. To pick up the MOB team at the airport on my birthday, then time to drag no 1 & no 5 to Swensen's... And the purple one, if her prelims are good... Then go whack some Earthquakes, my treat... To no 2 & no 3 & no 6, you all can come along too... Just be at the airport on that day lor. Sheesh!

Nothing else much... Just that I had a good conversation with the purple one on Tuesday... Though she was rambling much about Jennifer Garner and 13 Going On 30... Yeah... And how she wants to be a teacher in future... Ms Huang... Sounds cute! Lolz. I'm starting to dream again... Hallucinations... Brain injury or psychologically disturbed loh...

Whatever... Gonna sleep soon...

Joel.

Why do things seem so bad now? Bleah...

Tonight, can come out of cmap, only to be told that I hafta go back on my own cos father's got some prayer course...

Tomorrow, one day of guard duty...

Friday, no more 5 day week cos we're on course...

Sunday, PDL to be done with Timothy? Afternoon some more... I wanna go out! Can't we do it on Saturdays?

Crap. Each week's rather demoralising. Never mind. At least the course's slightly becoming better... And I had a chat with the purple one over the phone yesterday... 20 minutes worth. Well... Hmm... Some good, some bad? I will still trust in God.

Bleah.