Too much food ordered, in my opinion. In the end 4 containers of soya bean milk poured away down the drain... Because there weren't enough people to finish it off? Wasted. But still I heard that they collected slightly more than $1000... And put in $420 initially to buy everything else... God is great!

So that's the gist of what happened today... And my cute lil lady's got Chinese tomorrow... And still getting so kan cheong about it... Well. 1 day's alot of time to study, but how much can actually be registered in the brain? Needs prayer.

This whole week, there's very little training. I'm glad for that. Which means I can devote more time to running, if the weather holds up... I'm developing fats all over (not to say I've got none) but more's appearing. Sigh. Pants feeling tighter, time to go exercise!

Difficulties with Edmund ironed out... And I'm wondering why I dao-ed him so long in the first place. Sigh. Childish pettiness? I dunno. But that's over. And know what? I actually talked with Ivan Goh today! How amazing! Woohoo.

Joel.

 

To the end of the year. To my birthday. To getting dunked in the church pool! It's gonna be exciting. December's a lull period, only weeks 1 & 4 have training going on, while the rest nothing... Which means my birthday is free... But camp isn't... Hmm... See how.

2 more days... Exams starting for the Sec 4s and JC2s... Well. Been there, done that. Wishing them all well... Especially my lil lady? Haha... Must intensify prayers for her... Especially. Yeah. Can study be done with QT without any compromise? I'd say that it's quite difficult. Unless your mind is trained to multi-task, otherwise you'd absent-mindedly be thinking of your studies. At least in the army now, work is strictly from 0730-1730 each day (could be 0800-1630 on certain days too) and then at night it's just chilling out from a hard day's work! Time to run, time to play pool, or even time to go home.

Tomorrow: Food fair... Hope it goes well. People are setting it up and also hoping that it goes well. For me: Why worry? It's all in God's hands. And we know that He will work towards the best interests of everyone. So if He doesn't want it to work out well tomorrow, it won't work out. It's that simple. God is great!

If I were to say that there's nothing memorable in this year, I'd be kidding myself. Too many ups and downs in life already! And this year alone. About doing my PDL, about breaking away from my old sins, and yet nearly falling into the same old temptation snare, finishing BMT, graduating to finally become a medic specialist... Well there's a lot!

Joel.

Now that my week's settled to a 5 day one, plus all the funny duties that I may have to kena over the weekends... Well. To me it doesn't at all matter whether it's Monday or Friday or Sunday... Just whether I've got work to do or not. Sheesh! Weekends are vecoming more like weekdays off only... Other than the fact that I've gotta go church, still.

At least there's not much training next week... Need to go running! I'm like putting on inches like nobody's business...

Training schedule's not so packed now, thank goodness. Less paperwork to do. Less nonsense to handle. Hopefully it doesn't rain! Dang. How can I go running if it rains?! Terrible weather, this monsoon... And with the lightning flashes at night it's hard to sleep. Not because I'm scared of the lightning, but rather it's quite irritating to have some bright flashes every now and then.

With my black face spell over, I really do hope I return to normal. I've upset many people, I've upset myself, and basically screwed my relationships with others. At that point in time I didn't really care but in retrospect I think I was just plain stupidly childish. SIGH! Grow up, boy...

Joel.

Spent slacking at home. Oh well. And still undecided what to buy for my no 2's birthday... Simple Plan CD? Hmm...

People are feeling the heat now that the shocking reality of the O Levels are just 5 days away. Yes. Chinese. I'm pretty sad for no 2, her Chinese on Monday, birthday on Tuesday? Hmm... No 3's also got it... My lil lady's going through it again, hopefully to boost the C6 grade higher...

I can tell that no 1's going through a rough patch or something now... Frustration, why people don't care... Which was what I've felt liek 2-3 weeks ago? Now it's somewhat cleared... But still... She's my no 1, after all.

*Jams on the brakes* Time to pray... Tonight.

would you believe me if i said
that we are the ones who can make the change
in the world today
would you believe me if i said
that all of your dreams in your heart
can come true today
would you believe me if i said
that life could be all that you want it to be today

and if i had wings i would fly
'cause all that i need, you are
and if the world caved in around me
to you i'd still hold on
cause you're all that i believe
and the one that created me
JESUS because of you i'm free

would you believe me if i said
that God can make miracles happen today
would you believe me if i said
that you don't need to wait for the answers before
you step out in faith
would you believe me if i said
that nothing is ever IMPOSSIBLE for God

just live your life with God inside
you won't regret one moment of it
and give all that you can for God for God

I thought it was gonna be siong but I was wrong. There's supposed to be training for 1 unit in some ulu area of Tuas from Monday to Wednesday, 8.30am-5.30pm, with night training tomorrow... However: Today we started training only at 3.30pm. Blame it on their in-processing and settling of stores, medical equipment, etc. Tomorrow: 10am-12pm. Wednesday: Stay home all day! Do I have a choice? No. Our training doesn't meet their objectives of this in-camp training. So how? Redundant parts removed...

So I can relax a little still. It's a big uplift from that guard duty last Saturday. However, as I maintain, the biggest uplife always comes from talking to her. Be it SMS or on the phone, it's always nice talking to her.

I'm just looking forward to the end of the year. Clearing off, going out, etc etc. There's so little training that basically my week 2 and week 4 of December is free. Ole. And it's time for me to get dunked in the church pool too. On my 1 year anniversary in the army! Baptism... The last 3 Saturdays of November are occupied by this, though.

Now I just need to remember that I'm totally dependent on God and I can't do anything on my own...

Joel.

Just woke up from a nice good sleep. After guard duty last night, after surviving a night with almost no sleep and half sleeping and slight dozing... Haha.

I wanna sleep more. Today didn't really pay attention in church and was half dozing in the seat too. Oh man. Didn't really pay attention.

But still, some important lessons learnt on the sermon. Though it came a little too late for me. Single minded focus! Bleah. That's the biggest tripwire factor for me so far... I keep self destructing because of that? Sigh.

Joel.

I'm at a low morale right now... Tomorrow's guard duty... And tomorrow's training! Sure, got day off for it... But it can't make up for the weekend can it ever? No way... But at least December's free to clear it all off...

Blogging from the Specialists' Mess now in between games of pool... Haha... TIme to chill out and relax first...

In the beginning it was fine. It was a relaxed pace of life. Something that was totally peaceful, a picture of calm and serenity.

Soon the sun stopped shining. Dark clouds loomed on the horizon. Flashing bolts of lightning, deep rumbles of thunder. Swift, gusty winds blew, and the rain poured down torrentially.

The depths of the sea churned, bringing forth foam. Turbulence in the waters ensured no smooth sailing on the high seas.

Then there was a miraculous calm. The rain stopped. More dark clouds loomed, far far away.

A hurricane. The exact thing to describe what I'm going through right now. From joy to apathy to despair. What comes next? Even after reading through Job yesterday I never did find anything to rejoice about in any circumstances. Though I could I didn't.

It just depends. A change of attitude, a change of mindset. Why I'd get so uptight, I don't even know. Does anyone care? I don't think they do. That's why I'm despairing in the first place. Or maybe I'm just too blinded by what's before me to really appreciate what's going on around me.

At the administration. I'm so glad the darn darn darn course is over. So much time was wasted the past few days checking and re-checking and re-re-checking our belongings for some missing maps, considering that they're all restricted items, like rifles. And what's the use for allowing us to book out at night if anyone intending to steal the map did bring it home? And checking the next day wouldn't help either cos it'd be nestled safely at the home of the offender. Moreover the maps are so darn outdated that streams and tracks on the map usually wouldn't be around on the terrain either. Please. It's the year 2004, and the map was drawn up in 1990...

But it's just given all of us one heck of an unnecessary problem. It's gotten the instructors all worked up such that we were pumped yesterday for queuing up to sign our book out book when we were expected to fall in to sign it, and today our course commander commented that it wasn't necessary to fall in, just queue up, sign it and get the heck out of there. Yeah. Rules & regulations. Again. Ironic ain't it?

I'm glad I'm out of there, and back to teaching reservists on Monday. And living on the 7th floor again, in peace & harmony... With free time to book out almost every other night, and stay out if no one else bothers...

Joel.

 

And it's the end of course! Meanwhile I'm at home and only have to book in tomorrow... Because tomorrow will be the start of Ramadan and our Course Commander, being a Muslim himself wanted all Muslims to start it by having breakfast with their families. How touching.

Well. Topography exercise over, field camp cut short by lightning risks...

Throughout this whole week, been observing my coursemate (and colleague and bunk mate until ORD) and noticing why almost everyone hate him with a passion. People hate me in a joking sorta manner,and their remarks are usually teasing. But for him, well the remarks are sincere and genuine. People do dislike him passionately. And I'm starting to do so, too. What to do do with someone who doesn't lift a finger to help others, assigns people tough jobs and leaves the cushy ones for himself, and always complains about everything, and acts as if he knows everything? Hmm. Moreover, he's the clubbing, socialising, swearing fella, etc. Shockingly enough he claims to be a Christian, asking others superficial questions like "Which church do you go to?" sorta thingy. More likely a 2nd Generation fella, someone who is acting in name only.

But it's not for me to judge. Somehow he has to be guided back to the right path. Even I needed to be guided back with help from others. But... I also hate him, see... Sheesh. It's tough lah. When I hate people I don't voice it out. I rarely will talk to them, and if I help, it's only the basic stuff. For those I don't hate, I extend my hand even further. And I'm not supposed to be prejudiced, all people are equal under the eyes of the Lord? 

Difficult. Knotty. Darn.

PS: Fiona Xie looks damn hot.

I seriously don’t know what’s happening, over the past few weeks especially. The attacks come on and off, and there’s a lull period between them. A period which allows me to think I’m OK, just for another fresh wave to begin. I’m being caught in a series of battles now, a summation of a war. It’s affecting my nervous system, possibly depriving me of serotonin. Otherwise, why would I keep getting mood swings? Or is it a transient mood swing? Because it can just come and go as and when it pleases.  How I can be chatty one moment and totally quiet, dull and depressed within 10 seconds.

 

And that occurs when my mind starts thinking. About too many things at once, in fact. And that really causes some  nervous system problems. It’s screwed up. It’s like World War II is raging within my mind right now. The evil side wanting to overwhelm me, but my conscience resisting as much as humanly possible.

 

What am I thinking about usually? Her. Worship ministry matters. My toots. About others who are as yet unsaved. About the whole issue between creation & evolution. Apparently that’s wrong. I have to yet concentrate more on God than on these earthly issues! Other than missions. Why should I care about what others think and what others do to me? In the end, it’s the approval of God that matters.

 

Her: Why I still keep thinking of her when it’s time for her to concentrate on her studies, I shouldn’t be bugging her and yet I still am… Is it an obsession, infatuation, or pure stupidity on my part? I won’t say it’s love. But yet I still care for her that much. I’m still that concerned about her whole life. And I’m still being emotionally dumb.

 

Worship ministry matters: That I’m always called up at the last minute just because “So-and-so wasn’t free to come today” or “So-and-so suddenly had something else more important to do”. Please. I’ve had enough of that crap. No more of this in future.

 

Does anybody care about anything? I think no one actually gives a hoot to what others are doing. As long as it’s not their peers or someone whom they don’t like, it’s more like automatic ignore? I could be wrong.

 

Or I could be paranoid. God’s the master psychologist. He knows what’s wrong, He knows what to do. But sometimes I can just feel that tiny, that helpless, that unable to do anything anymore. It’s as if people don’t care about who I am, where I’m from, and what I’m doing. It’s as if I don’t even exist, at times.

 

But I’m deciding: I’m just too self-centred. I ought to be more seeking to serve than to be served, for that gives glory to God. Can I do it? Not without the help of God…

 

Joel.

I'm just waiting. And waiting. 7 more days to the end of course and back to a normal, carefree life!

This week: Had to coordinate 11 others to build a BCS (battalion casualty station, which is sorta like a medical centre outfield) and did it quite ok... Well maybe not, but I still felt that sense of satisfaction from doing it... Haha...

TM matters: I'm just wondering why worship leaders are so irresponsible nowadays. It's up to Nah to call me on Friday night to tell me to fill in for someone else on Saturday. Like why can't the worship leaders inform me if they're short of manpower? Sheesh! Except for no 1 lah... That one I'll insist on playing... Haha. Can worship leaders take their own inititative? I dunno. Or must they rely on Nah to coordinate everything, because they're so lost in their own worlds of "study/go out with friends/projects/preparin g song lists"? Seriously if they can't do it themselves they might as well just quit this lah. It's a joke ain't it? Only Ian will bother to ask me. Otherwise... The rest. Well! Sad.

Monday I'm going for a treasure hunt! Topography exercise in Lim Chu Kang Cemetery lah... Haha... In army uniform... Super ulu area. Then after Lim Chu Kang go to Mandai for Round 2... Sheesh! But because of that I've gotta book in at 8pm tomorrow... So we can get "7 hours of sleep" which is absolute bull because my bunk mates will be playing the guitar till midnight no matter what... And I'll be trying to sleep over the din. Too bad. They can neither sing nor play properly. I'm so sad...

Is anyone free to go out tomorrow? Haha...

Getting revitalised... The old Joel seems to be coming back already... Happier mood, able to worship, able to talk! Able to sit in church today without thinking of her even though she sat right behind me!

*Thanksgiving item* I'm on talking terms with that guy who was petty with what I did to him... Praise God! He works wonders all the time! And that is a testimony to His unfailing love and mercy...

I love You Lord!

SQT... Yeah... Never hold it on a Saturday... Found that playing pool in the cafeteria 2 floors below the seminar room was more enriching. At $1 a game. I won both games. And my friends treated both games. Ain't that the way to enjoy life?!?!

Yeah. Effetively, I still say that SQT is a waste of time... Snoozing and reading newspapers and revising some stuff on physics... Is more helpful than actually listening. I haven't half a clue of what happened the whole day... Haha...

Switch off!

Joel.

Service Quality Training (huh?!) at Science Park, 8-5... And I hate going for this sorta stuff... I'll just end up dozing off there and wasting my time. What's the point man? I've gone through it once and they want me to sit through the same stuff again? I'd report sick if I had a perfectly valid reason to do so.. Just to skip this... Cos Ian's asked me to play tomorrow and I can't because of this #(&$&(#$! seminar. Yes now you know my exact feeling about this. It's a perfect waste of time!

No 2 asked: Is my attitude right? Of course not. Justifiably not. But I just hate it. Yeah... I just hate it. And hate it. And what's more... I'm getting more and more moody nowadays. Like permanent PMS. My joy is fading, my happiness too... I wanted to get more serious, not more melancholy! Nor temperamental... But it's happening. PMS? I dunno...

Crap... So many things are happening in my life and I'm seriously not making any head or toe out of it yet... Bleah.