Yeah. Surprised? My gay buddy S2 gave me a lift today... Otherwise I'd be stoning in camp... But it's good lah. I've got stuff to bring home today... Oh boy. Forgot the trashbags which Edmund asked me to kop...

Tomorrow SAS duty on, which means I can't come home anyways... And Wednesday to Friday I'll be at Sungei Gedong Camp conducting training, and Sungei Gedong is in the heart of Lim Chu Kang. Ulu-er than ulu.

Went for a 3.2km run just now, feeling quite refreshed now, though the body's groaning all over. Adequate PT for the day. Physical training or physcial torture, I can look at it either way. Besides, IPPT's coming up 10th of December, and I know I won't be able to pass it for nuts anyways.

Camp... Seriously I'm not looking forward to it. As in youth camp over the weekend, not army camp... Army camp's loads better... Less superficiality, more areas to crap about... In youth camp... Well. To me it's starting to be skin-deep only. Or is it because I'm in retirement mood, about to jump over to Young Adults already? I don't know. Whatever the case is, I'm not too enthusiastic about going for it. If not that they called me to be a musician + a medic there, I wouldn't even feel like going...

And yet those are responsibilities that I must undertake seriously, to do it to the best of my own ability. Yes, God's given me the skill to pick up & learn, and to serve others in this way. With my own attitude as it is right now, I don't think I'll be able to serve wholeheartedly. Where's my first love? My first priority? Gone missing again? God's out of the picture, and I need to get Him back to the centre again! Lord, thanks for the abilities that I've picked up, let me use it to serve You faithfully! Instead of grumbling and grousing that I'm not doing anything significantly else worth... Change my heart Lord. Make it like Your Son's--- filled with love for everyone else!

Joel.

Are excellent musicians. I do take my hat off to them. Drab, boring services (even when I'm playing for worship!) spring to life with a new burst of energy. Previous services used to be so enervating but this... Well... It's infectiously energising!

Had a chance to play with them this morning, a mini jam session, with just 1 song and then I had to leave... It was Everyday... One of the best times I think it's been played. Not because of me, but because of the Filipinos. I seem to be able to click with them.

My camera's not in my hands now... How to take photos with Shiling on Tuesday? She'll be leaving for ambulance attachment and only back on the 20th... Will find some way, though.

Joel.

At last. Standby guard 2IC over... And that made me stay in camp last night. So had to book out this morning in the end.. Ended up playing pool with the mess boy till 10pm...

Been doing all sorts of admin work the past few days instead of teaching: transport indents, training evaluation reports, faxing, photocopying evidential documents for latecomers, swapping duties for my colleagues... Well. I'm becoming the admin spec or something in the wing already. How fun.

And because of last night, couldn't go out for dinner with Shiling... Sad enough liao. She's leaving on the 1st Dec for hospital/ambulance attachment, and only back on the 20th, graduating on 22nd as a full-fledged paramedic!

Doing duty on my birthday weekend, what the heck... Sunday 19th I'll be on duty, slacking in camp... Nearly kena the 5th for guard duty but I managed to siam it and deflect the arrow 1 side... *Whew*

I'm just looking forward to my birthday. Seriously camp doesn't interest me at all.

Joel.

Kranji Camp. Teaching some buddy aid today. Well at least I'm out of camp, and the environment is more relaxed here.

But I'm away from my cute SCDF gal... Yes her name is Jody... Her Chinese name is Shiling... And she's 21... And she's cute. And she's suffering through gynaecological lectures today... Yes. Paramedics have such a siong life. Lectures, then practicals. Today it's all gynaecological stuff, I think. But still it prepares you for the real world. You're out there to save lives. Lives that might have been lost if not for your timely appearance. Paramedics are one of the most noble occupations out there. And yet they're overworked, underpaid... Well. The SCDF is trying to hire more because it wants to put more ambulances out on the road. I'd sign on... If I can pass my IPPT in the first place!

Anyways. Happy birthday no 6.

Incidentally, I do happen to be in some mood swings and my blog entries may be weird. Some days super hyper, some days super low morale. Sigh. Like the last 2... Ack.

Joel.

Maybe I should just go get a life. People can make disparaging comments about me and get me to change, but while I do that on others it's deemed unacceptable... Yeah. 2 different standards emerging eh?

Go get a life Joel. It is pointless to say this without doing anything. You're sick and tired about what you think is going on, and yet you choose to just sit by the side and not voice out your opinions. Why? Afraid of rejection? Come on. Don't be an idiot.

Wake up your own idea. At this point in time, don't care if others don't wake up their ideas. Wake up your own idiotic bloody ideas first. And get rid of all sorts of negative thoughts. Think about how Jesus loved you and died for you so that you would be redeemed. And think about how He died for others, too, to redeem their souls. In the end we're all equal. From the greatest to the least in the kingdom of Heaven we're all equal. So what gives you the right to judge others? WAKE UP!

You've asked God to do a major shaking up of all the sin in your life... Now here's one... How are you gonna deal with it now?

What's wrong with you man?

Joel.

Yes. I do agree that I have greater prospects within the Young Adults formation. However, the people I don't like will still be there. Namely those who are 1 year younger than me right now... I just seem to have something against them. Yeah. The tertiary fellowship. Why is it that I can only bond with the guys and not with the girls? There must be something wrong. But that's it. Our first meeting up is on the 17th next month, which coincidentally is my birthday. To play pool and bum in Ivan's house. Adele said, "Don't worry, we will help you celebrate your birthday..." Come on. I'd rather be at the airport welcoming the MOB team back than seeing YOUR face any day. Please. Either wake up your idea or I must wake up my idea. Yes. I'd rather be at the airport with my lil piggie, my no 1, and no 5, happily gorging ourselves on Earthquakes at Swensen's, all my treat...

Yeah. That was exactly why I wanted to retire out of the Youth Fellowship. With this sorta people that I'd prefer not to see... And now they're jumping into Young Adults too? Man. I think I'd better wake up my idea... Because I really don't like them. The fakeness. The bimboticity. Sometimes the frivolity. I'd rather not. 15 year olds I'd expect them to behave that way, but c'mon, you're all 18 already.

But I digress. What point is there to dwell on this any longer? I may be keeping it in for now... But who knows when I might just let go of it all? I certainly don't want to.

Yeah. That's about it.

Joel.

And I've discovered this really, really, really cute SCDF lady. Yeah. Training in the Paramedic Level III Course... Preparing to pass out as a paramedic. And she's all of 21... And darn cute.

Today, weh ad some overdue Hari Raya/Deepavali festivities. All the Indian and Malay food for dinner, free of charge. Delicacies. Yum. I'm gonna get fat again. Yeah. And she mock scolded me for not asking her along... Because by the time I told her about it, she was in her "comfy bed" at home... Yes. I can imagine. While I'm just happily gorging myself at the officers' mess. Sorry lah...

Also been SMS-ing her like crazy since yesterday. Yeah. She got my number from someone... So she sms-ed me first. And we started crapping with each other. How fun eh? I can crap with almost anyone regardless of race, gender or religion. Age, maybe not. Plus minus a few years from my age still can lah. But otherwise, hmm... Depends. At least I've still got a healthy SMS balance still...

But no, I shall not let this affect me. Staying as friends, and that's it. I don't want to break my commitment just like that. Neither do I want to be seen as unfaithful. There's a lot of peer pressure going on, and I might just crack somehow. But I will survive. Leaning on my ownself is impossible, now is the time of trusting and faith. And also, constant, strong fellowship.

Talking about fellowship...I do notice that it has somewhat waned throughout. Just 2 months ago we were doing the Purpose Driven Life, now where's it all gone to? Down the drain? I've read my no 5's last entry, and honestly speaking, I do think I myself ought to step out of cliques and brighten up others' lives. A simple "Hi, how's your day?" ought to brighten up others' lives...

I do hope I do not get too caught up with my cute SCDF gal. I still have my lil one in the first place.

Joel.

Hmm... Screw the last entry. I was feeling rather out of my mind... But still. I do have to find more productive ways of serving though.

Yes. After guard duty last night and a 2km run today... I'm half dead. But my negative feelings are dispelled for now.

Why must I be thinking this way in the first place? It's my egoistical nature acting up. But I've realised something: That if I can't do anything kilat in the workplace, I won't be able to do anything kilat in church. Yes. Too much of a slacker's mentality. Kilat! And that's what I'll work to now. Perfection! I shall not be a slacker no more...

Yes. I shall not slack, but aim to be the best. The most kilat medic specialist ever! And that's my goal now... Screw the ideas of being hald-past-six... I'm gonna be kilat. And no one can stop me.

Yes. I'm a-going nuts again. But no, I can't help myself. I'm useless and pathetic. I'm a loser.

I knew last week something was gonna happen, but I didn't expect it to be this soon. I'm feeling apathetic, useless, and ne'er-do-well, coupled with the ideas that camp seems a better place to be 24/7 than out in the world. I don't know what's happening to me now, but seriously I wanna rid myself of this crap. The old me surfaced roughly 1 month back, and I want it to be dead and buried forever. I am a new creation!  By the grace of God I will carry on.

Yeah. I'm feeling useless, unappreciated, underused, undervalued. Does Young Adults have a calling for me? Maybe I'm pinning my hopes too high, a mode of escapism beginning to visualise out of nothing. Can I serve there? I'm feeling too old to be used in the Youth area already. Have I outlived my usefulness? It feels that way! Every Saturday I go down with an anticipation: A hope of being able to serve in the house of my God. And yet... What I get to do: Nothing. Yes. Nothing. No one ever calls me to help anything. Oh yeah. As if I can't do anything properly. Right. I'm useless! "But you're in the music ministry, Joel!" So what? It's only once a month. Besides, other people have to multitask in between their academic pursuits on top of leading CGs and doing worship once a month. And I can't do that? Rubbish.

It's precisely this that I may choose not to go for the Youth Camp this year. Yes. My attitude is wrong. My attitude's always wrong. God can change it. But what He wants me to do now, is to learn something. Something that can be imprinted in my heart forever and a day.

I'd rather go on to Young Adults, and be involved more fruitfully down there. I've wasted 3 years of my life being away from God, and it's time to get back.

Joel.

To the core. Which other fella would have so little regards for his relatives? And that's what I am. To be honest, I don't raelly give a hoot about them, to me, I'm working with friends every day. I know I'm wrong in saying this, and I need to change this attitude of mine. I'm rotten.

Even today, kena scolding from both sides. Father call from Sweden, and mother talked about it in the morning... In the end... To them relatives are still that important. But to me, it doesn't warrant waiting in a coffeshop until 12 midnight just waiting for them to finish talking. And they're wondering why the younger generation is so disrespectful nowadays. Is there a connection? Personally I think there is.

Even today I quarrelled with my mum as I walked out of the house. What sort of a son am I? A disrespectful one, at the very least. Playing basketball didn't help much, either.

Yes. I'm screwed up. And rotten. But I will strive to change.

It's time to change. Time to pull up my roots, and change again. Yesterday Dave talked about positioning ourselves to catch God's vision, today I'm convicted to carry it out. By first changing my super blardy rotten attitude. How many times have I said it but not done anything about it? My pride is down there, yes, that big, 5-letter disgusting word. My pride... SWALLOW IT!

Yes. I keep on looking at the specks in others' eyes and yet not noticing the gigantic log in mine own eye. I make things difficult for people I don't like to work with. I talk mainly with the same ld people. Come on Joel. Pride. Get rid of it. Yes. You're gonna get baptised, and you're positioning yourself where you can allow God to use you even more. So what's stopping you from doing that? Don't say the army, that's total crap. Never ever let it get into your way of obstruction. Keep up the same standards both in church and outside church, and never compromise anything. Be humble and have a teachable heart when it comes to anything, be it learning from God or picking up even more valuable medical skills.

Joel, Joel. You can be so mature at times and yet so immature at others. The frivolity, the caprice in your life --- are you actually gonna turn 19 soon? Wake up your blardy idea! Snap out of it! What are you doing to your own life right now?

I'm very disappointed in myself right now. Especially the difficulty in releasing my pride. It's a gigantically humongous stronghold that I have to allow God to tear down for something to work out.

Joel.

And burn with passion. There's always a new side of us to be discovered. How we've actually been through it all, with Christ at our very side. Yet, to do what God wants, we still have to understand His vision. We do what He wants only when we know what He wants! But sadly, our lives are chock full of sin and that prevents Him from utilising us to our maximum.

If I had a choice, I'd want to turn back time. That's the standard answer to anyone asked this question. I've wasted my life enough already! Those years which were empty and fruitless and with God pushed to one side, I really regret it. But there's no changing now, no turning back. Instead, to work with what God has left me... For now.

Catch the vision! Stand in the gap! Understand God's own heart! And that means the things of earth will grow strangely dim as we come more into His presence. And that's not a very easy thing to do. Because our brains are indeed boggled by too many things and responsibilities as yet unsettled.

Joel.

Yeah, if you can see... My password is cleared, so anyone who wants to come and visit is free to do so... And I think my tagboard's dying already. Ole.

Wow. What a break. In the holidays. Just to come back and do some work from 0730 to 1730 and get lost for the weekend. Oops. Not even 0730. Started at 0815 today. And may end at 1700 today. Slacker's life. Attempting to do something worthwhile at the very least.

Sigh. I love the weekends. However... Something doesn't feel right. It just doesn't. And I don't know what it is.

Joel.

Yesterday afternoon, went for a 5.2km run. Yesterday night, went to Brazil restaurant along 6th Avenue and pigged out on steaks, chicken, pork sausages, etc etc. All the running put to waste. Too bad. My dad's birthday... And today there's 2 more feasts to go... Think I'd better skip breakfast! Otherwise... Even running a marathon would do me no good liao man.

Today's Deepavali... Happy Deepavali to the Indians out there...

In my 2nd last post, I think I've said something that's childish, stupid and silly. I shall retract those statements of mine. Anyway I think what comes out of my mouth is 95% childish, stupid and silly still. Grow up boy.

Been testing out the functions of my new camera... Works at a click. For $430, I'm satisfied. And though it's slightly thick it still can fit into my jeans pocket, handy for carrying around.

My thighs ache. My stomach aches. All the muscles complaining that they haven't been worked in a long while! Oh no...

Joel.

And I'm bushed. It's just a simple 3km run! And I'm bushed! Stamina gone. Back to square 1. And 0 chin ups. Gone... Time to start training again... And aim to bring my weight down to 82kg! I wish.

My new digital camera is here! The Olympus Mju 410... Got it at a steal of $430, staff price courtesy of my mum's friend. Thanks mum. Original price: $549... Savings of $119? Whoa. But it means 1 month's pay is gone...

Waiting for promotion and increment to come... Soon. Argh. Meanwhile I shall remain hooked to Hillsongs... Can't Stop Praising, Your Love is Beautiful, Everyday, Free... Oh man!

Joel. I'm in love with Hillsongs.

In addition to my post yesterday... I feel that I do have to cut 2 people out of my life temporarily. Seriously, it won't do me any good to continue disputing over certain issues. Giving people judgmental names isn't very good, neither is it good being on the receiving end of it all. Moreover, if what you say is so easily judged on one end, by people whom you thought were friends around you, whom you thought would at least look at both sides of the picture-- that I wouldn't like it at all.

I'm not pointing the finger specifically at anyone. All the fault lies in my own self, the inability to speak and talk at the right time, the inability to think before penning down any words.

Assumptions:All ideas that have never had a single grain of truth in it.
Pride: What causes differing opinions and varying ideas, all that destroys fellowship.

Speaking about this, yesterday there was a message on pride, and today a message on spiritual unity. It blended very well. With pride there can never be spiritual unity. Yes. It was pride that maede me come up with a criticism on how someone drummed the other day, but the onus is on him to perfect the imperfections and strive to be better. Yet if he decides not to... That's pride on his part, too! I'd be sinning, so would he.

Yes. I deserve to be shot. I want out. I shall never give stupid comments. Anymore.

Joel.

In retrospect, 2004 was one of the years which I felt was most fruitful for development. And yet I see that I've failed in many areas. Failure to stand up against temptation, failure to do the right thing when it counts, failure to maintain healthy relationships with other people, and the ease of allowing others to just trample over my head.

I feel bad. However I'm not perfect, God isn't asking a 100% score every time He tests me, He just wants me to put in 100% effort. And yet... I think I've still failed.

Me, myself and I. The army hasn't made me learn what to do. In fact I'm still the same old self-centred, selfish fella who doesn't deserve to be given a dime's worth of attention about.

And yes. My relationships with others. Haven't met the 26-ers for a long time, and my relationships with the toots... Well. It isn't going well. Why'd I start it in the first place? To ensure that all of them can be accountable to each other... But well I think I've failed in that area. Big blow.

And yet within the army I still seem to be working well with my colleagues. Is it a facade, or is it for real? Living in my own world of self-centredness, I don't think I can last much longer. My pride, my ego. All this has to go! Meanwhile, some serious reflection on next year to come up soon. Whatever semblance of doing anything right has totally crumbled.

Joel. But still I am placing my faith in God.

Yet I am always with You, You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel. amd afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalms 73:23-26. In this I continue to hold on in faith.

On MC. Ole. There's a group today, and some ISO audits, and I'm actually slacking at home on MC. I don't think it's very fair to my colleagues. I'm even feeling guilty that the doctor actually gave me and MC because my boss forced me to report sick. Oh well. Body needs a rest, I suppose.

On some drowsiness, sleep-inducing medication now... Imagine just waking up to take some drowsiness medication to go back to sleep again. Whoa. Ironic ain't it?

Time to go back to sleep. Good morning world. But it could be difficult to sleep. All the phlegm in the throat, all the mucus clogging up the nostrils. I shall not digress further. ZzZzZ....

It's been raining and I've been unable to run today. Bleah. But my muscles are still aching all over. Bleah.

Anyways, today was in the office cutting up papers for lamination. Cue cards. Yeah. 4 on 1 sheet of A4 paper, 60 to go for tomorrow. Whoa. And the due date is Friday. Chiong loh!

Later gonna go church. Revitalised. I don't wanna show black faces for nothing no more!

Joel. I hate the rain.

My muscles. 2 days of weights training... My chest is aching, my arms are shaking, my back feels strained. Sheesh. Even my fingers are starting to feel weak as I type this out.

Why? The IPPT's on 26th November... And even then I don't think I'll be able to clear it, no matter what. Haha. My arms... Oof. Waitaminit... That IPPT is like the day after her proms... Oh man. So crappy.

I am gonna rest tonight. Bleah. Tired. Gonna run with 2LT Sam tomorrow... Hopefully it's another punishing 5km! Before I book out, go to church for practice.

About my comments on someone's blog. Well. All I wanna say: If you listen to others you definitely will never improve. You're just being plain haughty and conceited. I suppose, if that's the way it is, self-centredness, unwillingness to pick up lessons learnt from others, then what the heck did we do Purpose-Driven Life for? For crap? For shoving it into some dusty bookshelf just because you think others are reading through it faithfully and you won't? For what?! For learning, duh. And of course having that sort of attitude isn't the way to go.

So where is the love right now? The love for each other? At best I'd put it as... Fading. Exams do really take a toll on each other. Whether you choose to care or not to care.

Too bad. Some people are choosing to care less. To disregard the goings-on of what's really happening. A little knowledge is indeed a dangerous thing.

Joel.