Yesterday ended training at 3.30pm, whew. Had a chance to meet my boys and girls again... Basically had fun with them, making them laugh and all. But that's how I feel discussion should be, using a non-serious matter to bring forth the serious message underlying within. For crying out loud, they're only Sec 2!

Today's CGL meeting, had to go. Considering CG Comd was in Thailand and 2IC doing guard duty, now 3IC must go. Damn.

I've decided to password protect my blog again. Since Edmund says there's too much personal stuff within, better to keep it under wraps so that only people whom I allow to view can view it, right?

And that's it. Password protection. My stuff is under wraps again. Bye.

Joel.

So that's it. I shall go on a self-imposed ban on the computer for 1 week to see how I can survive and improve my relationship with God instead of wasting hours mindlessly on the Internet.

Yeah. That's it. 28 Jan to 4 Feb. May be extended, depending on whether I want it to last the weekend or not.

Today was at Sentosa, and amazed at the whole bunch of people there since it's Hari Raya Haji... The amount of smoke filling the air too... As in cigarette smoke. Well, still managed to get myself baked, so I'm thankful. Just that the organiser himself was late by 2 hrs and the many people that he asked along actually failed to materialise. But I'll not comment further.

Time for a break...

Joel.

Maybe I'm going on a break from blogging... It might do me good taking 1 week off from computers... When shall my self-imposed forbidding start? On a week when there's nothing else to do... Let's say Jan 28-Feb 7... And officially I can't be reached on email or anything. A hiatus. No blogging, no nuts. And a self-evaluation to follow after the one week break.

Yeah. I think I'm using the computer too much, such that it's ruling me now rather than me ruling over the desires of using it. So can I handle myself to expressly forbid myself from using it? Hmm. I'll have to see.

Tomorrow... Sentosa!

Joel.

Interestingly anonymous... Mr/Ms Godmode, who the heck exactly are you? I'm just wondering... Why be so nice to post and choose not to disclose your identity? Like it's very fun doing it eh?

I know what it's like: I've flamed Michelle before, and now someone's flaming me. Do unto others...

Damn. I just wanna go to Sentosa. And get over with this week. it's been quite relaxing and relatively trouble free considering the last 2 weeks. Unwinding! Chill out... Or rather heat up in Sentosa, for that matter.

Gotta go soon... Supper for Jackson! Damn. The Chief Manpower Officer requests, and I kena... Why so suay? It should be the Chief Ops Officer or the Chief Logistics Officer, not the Chief Inteliigence Officer i.e. me! (I'm just being lame.) But that's HQ 10 DIV. Maybe we'll just sabotage the RSM and get him to do everything, since he's the only NCO around...

It's a rather lame discourse today, I don't even know what I'm writing. But heck, I'm blogging on my Dell, and that's it already...

Joel.

Or I'll just be suspicious till the end of the month. Things have been looking good these 2 days, but not every day is Sunday. Moreover, considering the recent spate of events this month, I'd put it as a 3/10 rating. Not a very good month, and certainly not the way to start the year. I'm screwed.

So... I'm wondering if February's better. There's a little more slack in February considering it's gonna be Chinese New Year. Yeah. And time to plan for my guard duty, that stupid extra that's gonna earn me a weekend burning...

Damn. Since my extras come in trickles, I can't clear it all at once. I can only clear like, 1 a month? That's so crazy lor... And all weekends... A little unfair, don't you think? But that's the way life is. And how we react is all evaluated by the One up there, and my performance hasn't been too satisfactory lately. Damn again.

Well, I do hope I grow out of these experiences. Because I've been dumb to make mistakes, now it's time to grow up and learn from it, and not commit it again. Right?

To Godmode: Please do not remain anonymous just like this. I don't know who you are, and for all I know you might be talking nonsense. However, you might be speaking a grain of truth in there and I'd really like to know who you are before I dismiss all your statements as trash. Thanks a lot!

Joel.

Venting frustrations right now... It's super frustrating when you've got so much stuff on your chest and the people who care for you aren't the ones you wanna talk to about it, but rather it's the people who don't care that I want to talk to... Is that wrong either? I suppose I'm just taking things into my own hands, and obviously that's not very healthy to me, it's only bringing about much sadness and melancholy. It's to my own undoing.

What Pastor Danny said is rather true today. A mark of maturity is how one reacts to pressure. And how
I've reacted the past week -- to Laksaman, to how what she did last night that made me super upset... To
how I handled other matters like administrative stuff... Well. All it says is that I'm rather immature. I am a child of God, nothing happens to me by accident. Rather than thanking God for what's happened I end up cursing and swearing. Is that how I'm supposed to behave? Obviously not. Yet I choose to behave this way.

Can I be thankful through all these circumstances? After all, Jesus was unfairly blamed, bearing all our sin and shame He died. Signing extras is mild compared to dying. And I'm responsible for it. Jesus was never responsible for our sins! And yet He bore it for us.

It's a major lesson learnt. I can't take things into my own hands too quickly. I have to wait, stop and smell the roses. It's only January 2005 and I'm waiting till August 2007, what on earth am I rushing for? If she gets attached to another guy, so be it. I'm therefore not gonna be with her at all. Why have such intense feelings about it? I don't understand myself.

I need to get my own priorities right.

1) My own life with God.
2) My CG's life with God.
3) My toots!
4) My army work.
5) Miss Huang.

1 being the most important, 5 being the least important. I need to get right with God again, that's the imperative. She cannot rule over my heart. Neither can Laksaman, by the way he's treating me right now.

Can I? I have to.

Joel.

So yesterday was Renzi's and Zhenghui's wedding... Officially being bonded to each another "till death do us part" after being already together for so long. I wish them all the best. Marriage is always a happy occasion but it has to last. Otherwise why get married in the first place? I saw the whole ceremony yesterday, and personally I feel a little freaked out that I might actually have to be up there in future reciting the same pledges that Zhenghui did.

But the reception was great. So was the food. It ended up being my lunch, spring rolls, chicken wings, ngoh hiang... Ooh. Deliciously delectable.

During CG, met up with my new CG for the first time... Apparently Dave didn't inform me earlier about it, taking over Grace's CG... And I wasn't fully prepared, but yet could still talk... And discuss. The guys were rather chatty, the girls yet to open up. (Apparently with Grace the roles between the guys and girls reverse.) Hmm. But it was fun taking them, Matthew, Clement, Yi Min, Gail, Nicole, Kris, Chelsia, Kornelius and Joel Chong sitting in and persuading them not to sidetrack while I was actually enticing them to sidetrack...

But that's what I suppose discussion is all about. There has to be a lighthearted manner in bringing across the whole impact and the topic of the discussion so that everyone is adequately involved, and I do hope that while I'm taking them for the next 2 months till 5th March '05 that they'll grow and develop into even more mature soldiers of Christ. After all, I never did grow much in my secondary school years because I didn't want to, now I don't want them to flal into the same trap as me especially when they're in their prime of growing up.

Going out to play basketball soon. Thanks God for the sun!

Essentially, that's my weekend. Hope the next week's even much better! The workload in camp's starting to increase... All the paperwork to file and reports to do, as well as training. I don't want to get burnout too easily. No... slow and steady wins the race.

----Fruitful in action, faithful in words----

My new motto for the year.

Joel.

And I can't play basketball for nuts, as I've discovered... It's like snooker and bowling which I like but also can't play for nuts... Obviously because my fundamentals aren't there in the first place.

Today had a good 1 hour shagging in basketball... i'm tired again. At least it's a workout? Hah. my prowess at playing basketball isn't there, as if I had any prowess in the first place. Heh.

Tomorrow's the end of the week. Finally! Should I go TF? i really dunno... The twins aren't going and that's already bad enough... I dunno. See if Tiger wants to give another 1.5 hr lecture like yesterday... He didn't say anything much today. Thank goodness... And I was the conducting OIC too...

Phew.

Long day. At least Encik Anthony was hardworking... He's the best of the 3 Warrants in the wing... Much much much better than Tiger, in any sense... tiger watches yo u work and screws you. Encik Anthony tells you where you go wrong and even helps out in the workload. And lightens the atmosphere with his talking cock.

Sigh. Can't he be our Wing Sergeant Major instead of Tiger? life would be much better...

Joel.

Yeah. That was last night. I... Really felt like crying, slamming the walls, screaming out at the top of my lungs... Though it's my fault that I'm signing the 3 extras anyways. Right. It's just... Upsetting? Or I'm not facing up to reality. Really. I'm responsible for what I've done, and what's done cannot be undone.

Was reading 1 Samuel 15 yesterday. "To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams, For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry." And these 2 simple verses just broke me. For the past month I haven't been totally obedient to God, nor to my own superiors (and getting away with it). And yet in this simple case of disobedience I get a punishment and I feel upset, that it's unfair? It's mere escapism on my part. Naturally, with extra duties comes some disappointment -- at the superior for giving it to you, at myself for my own conduct. Period.

I shouldn't be getting upset in the first place but yet I am, typical reaction when I get this sorta stuff.

Anyways I'll just have to accept it as it is. It's just my own undoing, and I'll learn from here. 1) To be more responsible in duty. 2) To choose a better duty officer to work with in future!

Joel. (It's still left a bitter taste in my mouth, but thanks Christina, Sarah, Debs, Maria...)

Just that I didn't feel like getting up this morning. AFter yesterday's body-shagging, mentally draining physical torture... It's just like a hangover.

No 1's said during camp that it's time for me to start all over again, and I feel it may be wasted, but I think it's imperative for me to get back on track again spiritually. QT's no longer becoming a chore again... And I love my toots all the more still...

Today's the WITS presentation rehearsal. Oh boy.

Joel.

After the gym and after running 3.5km... (I failed to stretch my thigh muscles) and everywhere's aching right now especially the thigh area (oh no!).

I think I won't be able to wake up tomorrow. It's horribly achy, a gigantic indication that I haven't exercised much in recent weeks. So I'm dying right now, my stamina dropping back to near 0...

At least today was a relaxing day. Cleaned the training sheds (though where on earth would you expect people having 3-stripe ranks doing area cleaning?!) and ran... Didn't teach much today, just slacked almost the whole way...

Everyone of us NSFs is still in holiday mood. And that's bad... The regulars aren't, though... All because they've had longer leave periods and off periods than us, of course... So... Now it's just a spillover from 2004... Heh.

I'm half drowsy already... Oh no.Starting to slur... Heh.

At least the month's prospects look good. I'll see how man!

Meanwhile, tata.

---I'm blogging at a rate of 2 entries per day---

Joel.

Starting work again today, after a crazy period where there's so much arrows, so much off, and so much time to put on fats... Finally. There's work to do... Not that I'm exactly enthusiastic about it, but at least it keeps my mind off other stuff.

It's been raining the past few days, and superly cold. But heck, I'm back in camp again. And it's gonna be a long month, filled with lots and lots of units coming in for training. Yeah. IV infusion, BCS, PAM, you name it. It's all gonna come back and haunt me (and the rest of my colleagues too!)

Since 24th June when I was posted in here last year I've never failed to realise the boringness of PAM. Well, 1 year 3.5 months to go... And I'll be done with it for the rest of my NSF life!

Onward!

Joel.