Sure, as I started out I wasn't that exactly an angel... And up till now I still ain't no angel. Right since I can remember I had all the Christian education... In a Christian kindergarten (I was raised in CDLC, c'mon!) and my mum remembers me singing the full version of "Amazing Grace" when I was like, 4 years old? Yeah... All the religious stuff imbibed in...

Hmm. So here I was, a rebellious young one, all the way till P6... God never really meant much to me at that time, and I'd just be begging Him for help when some teacher came after my throat for some textbook I forgot to bring or something... Right. Even when I got into secondary school nothing changed. Outwardly I called myself a Christian, inwardly I lacked the faith to be one.

In Sec 2, I started drifting away. Why? I got introduced to the Internet, and one of the greatest temptations to the Internet that has ensnared many young men today. Right. Pornography. I don't exactly feel comfortable talking about this, but it's my own personal testimony that I've been pulled out of the mud, rescued by a loving God.

Meanwhile I was see-sawing. My moral conscience told me it was wrong, but my carnal desires ruled my behaviour. I joined the musical team, hoping it would at least bring me back to God, but that didn't. I would just be drumming for the sake of drumming. Yeah. So I was in the 2000 camp committee (when I was sec 3), and maybe that did bring me closer to God, but it didn't cause me to make that total commitment to Christ and Christ alone. No, my vices still ruled.

It got so bad that I decided to quit coming to YF in sec 4 for the sake of "studying for O Levels". Chong would know, cos he's one of the older ones... Well. In fact I was just spending the Saturday afternoon sleeping or playing computer games only... Study? No way. Right. However I was persuaded to go for the 2001 camp, and God struck me right there and then. I was just bawling my heart out. And God just said these 3 words over and over again. "I love you. I love you..." Right there and then I decided that enough was enough, and I committed my life to God at that spot.

Well, now my drumming's improved considerably. Why? Now I don't use it as a skill. I use it for the sake of worship. And purely worship. Sometimes I may be tempted to show off, but I'm reminded that my talent is there purely because God gave it to me and He can take it away any time!

Still, old habits die hard. Even in JC I still had some porn addiction spells, lasting all the way till before my A Levels. Yeah. So all in all I've been affected for 5 years. But I've broken it, and I'm happy with it. The mind really gets polluted with the sins of the world. And all it takes is one click. Boys, be careful. I'm warning you. Don't ever, ever fall into the same trap as me.

God has rescued me. The moral of the story? Don't ever assume that with all the religious upbringing you've had as a child that you're safe from the devil. False. In fact, you're even more vulnerable. Especially with pride in your heart, when you think you're untouchable because of all your head knowledge, FALSE. Satan just bombards everyone. It's up to you to depend on God for all the help you've got to resist.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Well, yesterday night was school dinner... Not as in my JC or secondary school's annual dinner, but... medic's school. Yeah. Right. So they gave us a half day off in the afternoon, which me and my gang gleefully took to Cineleisure to watch Hide & Seek. (It was supposed to be White Noise at Lido initially... but the tickets were at a rather late timing...) So we watched Hide & Seek.

It was thrilling. To me, the ending was rather unexpected. The protagonist is also the antagonist!
By profession he's a psychologist, mentally he's a deranged schizophrenic. The periods where he appears
sane, doing his psychological work quietly in the study is actually where he's carrying out a deranged murder against someone else... However the storyline is weaved in such a perfect manner that the protagonist isn't revealed to be schizophrenic until almost the end of the show. Quite a good watch.

I learnt something important. Never take things at face value. Moreover, your behaviour towards others, while you may think it seems harmless, other people may deem it as offensive. Truly. Things are never what they seem to be.

Joel.

I'm 70% recovered, and I'm still slightly diarrhetic (there's no such word, anyways), no appetite, but my stomach feels bloated with air. I hope the no appetite thingy lasts longer so I cna hopefully lose weight... (Fat hope, wishful thinking!)

Other than the stomach ache, nothing much relevant this week, just that I feel I'm sleeping too much and not focusing on QT as adequately as it is. And I want my boys and girls to be focused. Isn't that hypocritical at the very least? It's another wake up call, a reminder that nothing is perfect, and nothing cna go on perfectly. Sometimes doing constant re-evaluations on myself gets boring, and it can be piercing. But I have to do it. For the sake of growth. For the sake of my boys & girls, for the sake of my baobeis, for the sake of everyone who cares for me and whom I care for.

Right. After growth comes evangelism. It's time to spend! On Purpose Driven Life books... For my bunkmates & camp friends... I don't mind spending it, I just hope that they'll take it seriously...

Next month: Another weekend guard duty. Bleah.

Joel.

But still high on Anarex. I've been Anarex-ed. (For those who don't know, Anarex is a painkiller drug that causes drowsiness.) And I'm still full of it.

Oh well, the back/neck aches are still there, but thankfully the stomach ache and the head ache has cleared... I'm 50% of my normal self again.

But still, slightly weak. And slightly slow. And totally drowsy. Getting better soon...

Argh. I hate falling ill..

Joel.

After 1 24-hr guard duty, drained. Had diarrhoea 5 times throughout the course of the night, now my stomach's still tender, my head's throbbing and my back's emitting a dull ache...

I've got a new colour too. After 7 hours standing in the sun, isn't that obvious? Yeah. But I'm sick.

Well. I don't have anything much to say cos my mind's a blank right now.

Joel.

I've realised I'm the one being rather nonsensical lately. All the getting short on patience with the same old superiors, getting upended by the same old buggers, etc... I keep failing to see the big picture and it's always my baobeis and Big Huang being there faithfully in prayer to wake me up from my idea... Muacks. Thanks.

It's not as if it's the first time, it's happened a lot of times. My attitude, as always, has been as crass as ever, as unable to contain disappointment when things don't go my way; selfishness at the very least. And stupidity. Find alternative solutions, lah!

Like today: Some dumb update at 3.30pm, which wrecked my plans to run at 4. So I ran during lunchtime, at 12pm. Slightly hot but still bearable. And enjoyable! Realised I'm super unfit after having not run for a while, moping about how my plans to run were destroyed without finding alternatives. Now that's dumb ain't it?
(Anyways, FYI, the update was cancelled. So there.) Spent the rest of the afternoon bringing our new instructor around, the latest addition to the wing. Well our workload will be reduced slightly, phew. Even CPT Bob was wondering why only 1, instead of 4... Well. OC's ideas...

Yeah. Enjoyable. And able to put aside the stupid problems bugging me... Or rather the situations that I'm stupidly allowing to bug me. That's not how a child of God behaves! And that's how I've been behaving for the past 19 years. Time to change? I think so.

Joel.

Is what I need. Granted, things will never go the way one wants it to be. But still, it is required to be tolerant, to "give thanks in all circumstances" because that's what God's required!

Dammit. So here I am cursing, swearing, getting my patience worn thin, and sinning in all ways possible. Now I've gotta remember that I'm gonna be judged, cos this is not the way I'm supposed to behave. Yeah. Sinful. But still that's how normal humans would react. But that's not how Christ wouold react. I have the mind of Christ, I'm born again into His Spirit, His family, and I'm not doing what I ought to do. Vengeance does not belong to me and yet I'm always thinking of ideas to upend my superiors. Is that right? I'm cursing and swearing. Is that right?

It's not. And I've gotta change. The temptation to do this is still there. And I still do it. It's gotta change...

Joel.

"Dear Joel, you do not need to come for the CGL meeting. Though it might benefit you, thereare too many CGLs and ACGLs for the meeting to be fruitful and after discussing with Renzi I don't think you need to come..." -- an excerpt from an email from Dave.

Right. So I don't have to go for the CGL meeting this Saturday because I am technically not one. Funny. I want to know what they're gonna do to my boys and girls, dammit! If I don't have ot go for this, don't have to do this or that, what should I do, Dave? Put in a half-%#@(&# performance and get everything screwed up? Not right eh? THen what? I'm concerned enough for my boys and girls but I don't have to be that concerned about them actually? Right. Too many people.

Currently at Kranji Camp, gonna teach people some basic bandaging later. And I can't od any basic bandaging for nuts. Or at least, I can't remember how to perform an immaculate dressing of the scapula or of the eye.

Ah well. If that's how I'm being treated, I would be prone to react in a negative manner. For goodness sake, they're my boys and girls, and you're not allowing me to come for the meeting because there're too many people? A whole load of bull that is. But no... I will not. I resolve to keep my temper under wraps this time.

But my temper's seriously being stretched thin, honestly. I don't want anything to happen and here am I being a ticking time bomb again. A quarrel with my good friend, a good f***-ing from my superior, and more unpleasant things coming my way, like some stupid parade... Yes. A lot of unnecessary nonsense coming up, plus threats and more work for us only... Bleah!

Joel.

And I'm holed up in camp. Happy Valentine's Day one and all. You may ask what the heck I'm doing getting holed up in camp on such a romantic day like this, where love is in the air, blah blah blah. So what? I don't have anyone to share the romance with and netiher am I finding someone... yet.

So what am I doing now? Nothing much, except blogging... And watching Desperate Housewives later. How desperately romantic can that get... Haha. Seriously lah. It's just a sales gimmick, an advertising background to get people to spend, spend and spend. Now doing it for a loved one is great, provided it's reciprocated, and not buying something for your crush just because you with your rose-tinted specs feel that he/she deserves it... UTter nonsense. In the end, the retail outlets are smiling all the way to the bank...

Valentine's Day... So what? It's not as if other days can't be special, eh? Any ordinary day can be Valentine's Day. Just whether you want it to be. Aiyoh.

Sheesh. Valentine's Day.

Joel.

Help. There's training tomorrow. And it's Valentine's Day! Not that I have a date on Valentine's Day... But well. It's irritating lah. Even then I wouldn't be going out with Baby Huang, anyways. It's just... The Valentine's Day syndrome. Whatever.

Best friend... I need you back from Thailand. Now. I wanna get back my camera cable... Damn! I've got tons of pictures to upload man. And I need Grace to control the boys and girls... My boys & girls are fine, just that they're behaving like me when I was sec 2. Talking alot, without any focus, and forgetting everything learnt. Why is it easy for one to commit a mistake and yet difficult for him to stop others from committing the same mistake? Grrr.

To Baobei no 1: Be strong. And thankful. God will reward you for your longsuffering especially when it comes to going out with me. :-) No lah. Not that, but you know what I mean. Other things. Instead of going out with me. :P

Valentine's Day! Argh!! Guard duty on this Sunday, another extra to be cleared... After this, 5 left to go... Oh man. Seems forever. As long as I don't sign any more, especially for stupid things like leaving the computer on after office hours when it can be left on and used late till the night especially when I'm on duty... Sigh.

Time to clear those extras!

Joel.

And I'm weak. After 25 minutes of gym exercise, I'm gone. My triceps, chest and abdominal muscles have all failed me. It's still hurting right now. Owch.

Chinese New Year today, and it's a great relaxation day. Nothing much to do.

Been reading up on James the whole week, and garnered more insight into how God wants us to live. And that's because I told Wynn to give me a book review on it! (evil ain't I?) Well she in school kena punishment to copy out the entire book of James and she didn't pick up a single thing of what was written in it?

If that's the standard I suppose reading the Bible in 1 year/ 2 years for them is just about reading it like any other assignment but forgetting what's in there... Oh no. I sense trouble here. Like what James says about the man looking into the mirror and forgetting about what he's seen... Damn.

Something else to do already.

Joel.

What vengeance? I'm just acting cool. Heh.

Had a good chat with no 2 yesterday, and inevitably managed to miss 1 song of P & P (oops, naughty boy) and now I think I understand more of her already. Yeah. At least. Well, baobei, you're my no 2... And obviously I care about you, right? Don't let anything bog you down... Everyone's human and everyone errs, ok? And most of all, don't think about it, don't let it affect your relationships with other people hor... ok?

Yeah. No 3's off to Malaysia... Hope she does get back some bubble gum for moi! Haha. She's been great... She and no 1 together, telling me not to give up for the last 2 days when the withdrawal symptoms starting kicking in... The shaking hands, the whatever else... Thanks both of you! *Muacks*.

Today. I get to see my boys & girls again... And what? I haven't like thought of what to do with them for next Saturday... CG outing? Uh oh. I haven't any brains for planning this sorta stuff, seriously...

Hmm. Gonna go to church later for my boys...

Haha. Seeya later.

Joel.

And seriously it's not been fun. The last 2 days were filled with all sorts of withdrawal symptoms, a la going cold turkey. The fact is, I can't survive without the computer for too long.

What have I understood this week? It's hard to stay away from temptation. And the evil one's relentless, too. Yet God demands total obedience to Him, using the Word as authority and adopting its values as the morals we live by.

Though it's tough God's there, and I'm proud to say I've survived. 1 week without comp... Can die one leh. Still I suppose I haven't fully utilised/maximised my time spent, and I need to do this more often.

Chinese New Year coming up, time to write more encouragement cards to my boys and girls. Hurrah. Time to go for steamboat on 12th.

Otherwise... It's damn difficult living without email. Bleah.

But still, I've learnt to forgive and forget. With the 6 extras down my neck, I still can live without any fear. Life here is a temporary issue. Besides, who knows what I can do with the 6 extras? No one except God...

Joel.